


Sticks to your tongue and shows on your face that the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

by GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-05-10 01:44:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 32,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5564173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver/pseuds/GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Christmas Doctor who special 2015</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Florence + The Machine, Hardest of hearts title.  
> Okay, so this is my first Doctor who Fanfiction so I am sort of really excited.  
> Inspired by the Christmas Doctor Who episode where River was convinced her husband did not love her.  
> Unbeta'd, so all the mistakes are mine.   
> I am in the process of proof reading (04/07/16)   
> And I do not own these characters or the show or anything really apart from a box of pens with no lids.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter just to set the scene. I was thinking of deleting it all together. However, I did not. The other chapters get better, I promise. :)

"Professor River Song, archaeologist." she had introduced herself and the Doctor really did not care. She and her crew would be leaving and he'd never see her again. 

Only that had not gone according to plan. 

The day had ended with a causality - he really hated those days. Why couldn't everybody live, just for once? The worst thing was that when people died around him, it was all in the sake for him. _For him._ A lady who he did not know died. A lady who had a tattered blue book with his future - _their future_ \- engraved in it. A lady who knew his name... Fear crept through his old Time Lord bones. Fear and resentment for the lady with all the spoilers. 

He hoped that he could delay meeting her again for as long as possible, and even, if he could, not meet her at all. However, that thought made him feel a little sheepish, considering that she had died for him.

Why did things have to be so complicated? 


	2. Crash of the Byzantium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weirdly enough, this story is not inspired by the pairing, but by the song. 
> 
> <3 Florence + the Machine.

Crash of the Byzantium. She had mentioned it the last time when he saw her... when she passed.. Crash of the Byzantium; the words did not mean anything at all to him at the time. They were words that he could pretend did not exist.  He was happy pretending that she didn't exist, even. If he tried hard enough, thoughts of her would not protrude into the realm of consciousness. Yes, it was rather cruel of him to push away all thoughts of her; it was as if he didn't even acknowledge that she had sacrificed her life for him. However, what was he supposed to do? Mourn her everyday? If he did that for everyone who ever passed on his behalf, then he'd always be mourning and that was no way to live. 

 

*

 

Amelia Pond was new to the whole space travel thing. She stared at him wide eyed as he talked, completely compelled by every word. However, she was still struggling to comprehend all that the universe had to offer.  She had done a lot of growing up since the last time he saw her. However, still in his eyes was a child. Full of innocence, enthusiasm and curiosity. He on the other hand was old. He'd done that, been there and got the T shirt. He was reaching the point where he was indifferent about all the universe had to pull out of its sleeves. He was lonely and bored and craved adventure, so he whisked Amelia Pond away one day and showed off all the planets, time eras and solar systems he had crammed away.

He enjoyed showing off - though refused to admit so. However, this time, he was silently cursing himself. He had been so blinded by inflating his ego that he has walked straight into a trap. River Song was on the screen and calling him for help.  River Song, the stranger who had his future - theirs - stored in a blue book. River Song, the lady who knew his name.

He was reluctant to find River Song. However, unfortunately for him, he couldn't very well ignore her. If she died, falling out of a space ship, that would create a massive paradox. He sighed heavily - why did things have to be so timey wimey? 

 

She ended up falling on top of him, which he was not entirely comfortable was. They were touching. Yes, he had held her hand when they were in the library, but it wasn't intimate. They were running away from shadows that could devour you. So holding hands, was... necessary. But, now, she was sprawled on top of him. He could feel his cheeks glowing a little. He was sure that she was relishing in his obvious discomfort which made him feel a little bit frustrated. 

She, however, had other ideas. It was a bit unnerving, seeing her familiarity with his old girl. The TARDIS did not even resist when she flew her. She hung her blood red high heels on the console and whizzed round flicking switches that the Doctor had been blissfully unaware of. Who notices blue stabilisers? He scowled at her and made sure he made his annoyance audible, but River Song, either oblivious or feigning, did not take notice. Once she was out of the doors, the Doctor felt a lot less tense and decided that he would run away.  Yes, flee. He was the Doctor. Running was what he did. He would run, not look back and try to avoid River Song as much as possible. Who said he could not? His whole life had been revolved around running, so why not continue? Why break the habit now?

 

 

Things did not go as planned and before he could realize, he was knee deep in adventure and danger. What was worse, was that Amy too, as a result, was immersed in danger. That fact that she was taking it lightly wasn't good either - made her more vulnerable to attack, because she wouldn't be paying attention. He needed her back in the TARDIS. He could not - would not - lose anyone else. However, with Amy, things went in one ear and left through the other. 

"Is she going to be your wife one day?" Amy asked, gazing at him intently, as if she was looking into his soul to reveal the answer.

He had sighed inwardly. There he was explaining to her why he had told her to wait in the TARDIS - the weeping Angels were monstrous creatures and he had no idea how he would defeat one. What did it matter, right now, if the lady, who pulled out the blue book full of spoilers, was his wife? He certainly did not want her to be! He would have to feel that thing that humans call love and well, that was most definitely beyond him. Well not love as a whole - he loved adventures and he loved to escape and save the world in the nick of time. It was just romantic, unconditional, boring, you are my wife and I am your husband love, that he could not muster. Why would he marry someone he didn't love? He wouldn't - except he had, already. Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth... Crap!

 

 Just as he had thought. Some days, when things worked out the way he thought that they will, it brought him immense pleasure. That meant that he could gloat and boast to anyone who cared to listen. However, some days - and this was such a day - having things play out the way he thought it would in his head made him want to howl like a wolf. He wanted to smash things and kick himself for being so utterly stupid and callous. and Why hadn't he taken any precautions when that prickling feeling in his gut and brain told him to? He had told Amy to go back to the TARDIS - but he never insisted. He dropped the topic so easily and now... now... what if it was too late to save her? 

The thing that made it worse was that River Song was being absolutely bloody useless, pointing out the glaringly obvious. He had allowed himself to believe that she was a shrewd creature, but her comment had made him reconsider. A clever person would do something and keep their mouth shut; not anger the oncoming storm! Therefore, he could not feel bad for shouting at her. From the Now, she was fiddling with a teleport - he told her that there was no point, and yet she refused to listen. ARGH! If he wasn't so paralyzed by the fear of loosing Amy, he would have howled at her again. Why did River Song have to be so infuriating, especially when so much was at stake? Was this how she got her kicks? Was she - 

In the blink of an eye, there Amy was. Safe and sound. He let out a breath that he never knew he was holding and the tension drained out of him.  River Song's arms were wrapped around her. Oh, she was good. She was very good; a very good bad girl. He felt a ting of happiness swirl inside of him. But that did not mean a thing. He was just a bit glad that she was practical and challenged his authority - that did not mean that she was his future wife like Amy thought.

 

 

 

They had successfully defeated the Weeping Angels and now they were back where they started. Only things had changed. Something between them had shifted. Though they were not friends, they were no longer strangers. Now, he knew that River Song, the lady who eluded him, was a criminal. She was handy with a teleport and she was rather quick to catch on. Unfortunately for him, he had got to know River Song a bit, and she was not all that bad. 

He edged towards her, unsure of what to say. That did not happen much. Usually, he'd ramble on at a mile per minute. He'd ignore - or better still, be completely oblivious - people's exasperated sighs and frowns and continue without restraint. Something about River Song, made him nervous. Though she made him nervous a little, attempting to communicate with the lady whose was entwined with his future, was a better alternative than discussing the crack with Amy.  

As soon as he found himself next to him, she began talking. "You, me, handcuffs, must it always end this way?" Her voice was low and flirty which made him gulp. It suddenly felt way to hot.  However, she smiled and laughed soon after and it was infectious. He felt a bit lighter - less burdened by the crack in Amelia's wall; less worried about how they were bound and what his future had laid out for him.

Then he remembered. He could not. He could not trust her.  He could trust her, but he could not allow himself to succumb into what ever it was that they would have. In his mind, he was kicking himself. Why. Why oh why, did he have to ruin such a moment. Why did he have to be so scared?

"Dr Octavian said you killed a man." He sighed.

She looked at him. Her face falling a bit, but as always, not revealing much.

 

"Can I trust you River Song?" he asked despite knowing the answer.

 


	3. The Pandorica Opens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this chapter, absent minded. Initially, I wrote it in present tense. Then I went back to read my first chapter and realized that I started the story with past tense... so that was a bit embarrassing. But I went back and changed it all. Though that was a little bit embarrassing.

His excitement resembled that of a child. A child who had been told that they can stay up late watching their favorite TV show and that they can tuck into all the ice cream that they desire. Childish excitement came with the regeneration. The first words in the universe!! He would get to read them! How many people got to say that? How many people even knew what they meant? Soon, he'd have that knowledge! He pulled open the TARDIS doors in eager anticipation and launched himself out. Amy was quick to follow. 

Oh... What he saw was not quite what he expected. He was disappointed. Hello sweetie and coordinates. A beckoning. The first words in existence were a beckoning to him. He was: a Time Lord; the oncoming storm; the savior of universes. However, he was not above being summoned by a human with tremendously curly hair apparently. A lady, who scared him more than he could ever possibly scare any of his foes. He had thought that the first words ever would be something poetic or wise... not... However, after a second, the disappointment faded a little bit. His _(His?)_ bad girl was waiting for him. 

  
"River," Amy said stating the obvious and the Doctor cannot help but smile in response. 

 

"Hello sweetie." She said to the Doctor as soon as he entered through the velvet red tent. Yet again, fate had brought him back to her. Well not even fate; the Doctor could control fate. Fate is fluid, as far as he was concerned. Something more perhaps were pulling them together. The Doctor did not like this. Feeling as if there was a path already laid out for him to follow. He would continue to resist as much as he could. He refused to falter; to allow fondness and curiosity to get the better of him.

"You graffitied the oldest cliff face in the universe." He said, sounding rather petulant.

"You wouldn't answer your phone." She said gazing up at him. He felt a little bit flustered, as he gazed back at her. Yowzah! She really was beautiful, even if her curls were hidden. He tried to stop himself from looking into her eyes. To pull himself away. He tried and failed. Her eyes revealed so much. She looked so besotted; merely a girl in love with a person who does not even realize. Though they also sparkled with mischief. There was something else - that he could not put his finger on. Or rather more, something else that he refused to pin down and name. It scared him too much to do so because he saw that same look when he looked in the mirror at his own reflection. That perpetual sadness, as if she was grieving for the whole universe. A woman, so young, with eyes that reveal the burden of age. He just wanted to stare into them forever...

 

She showed him the painting and all is quickly and conveniently forgotten. Word flurried through his bones. His TARDIS was exploding... that couldn't be good.

 

  
He sent River to go fetch some Romans and tried to unlock the mystery of the Pandorica with Amy, though to no avail.  He had to admit, having River Song around was really handy. She could instill fear in anyone or anything. She could be trusted on her own. Usually, when he left humans on their own, they would do something stupid such as let themselves be sold or kidnapped, He'd have the added bonus of saving his human companions in the nick of time. 

He was whizzing around, trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together when Amy pulled out a ring and presented it to the Doctor. He sighed inwardly. _There is no time for this now._ He wanted her to remember Rory. He wanted her to be loved unconditionally and he certainly didn't want her to be empty and overcome by the shadows of loss. The loss had done strange things to Amelia Pond. She was absolutely distraught and broken, but unaware that she was, she continued smiling and laughing. However, Amy had really bad timing. 

 

 

He was talking to Rory. Amy was lying there unconscious. Nothing serious thankfully. Something... something was different … AH! Romans. "Good old River." He said, trying to keep the pride out of his voice. Just what he needed. That scared him a bit. The maverick of a lady who carried guns and scared him so much, could be exactly what he needed. He continued talking to Rory - thoughts whizzing around, trying to think.... something... something... he could feel something... big and obvious! He was missing something... He continued talking to Rory trying to figure out what he was missing.Then it dawned on him. RORY! 

How did he miss that? Oh, he was feeling giddy. This was... this was impossible and strange - how could it be Rory after he was wiped out of existence? 

He sent Rory off to go to Amy. That was where he belonged. Besides Amelia Pond - the girl who waited. He sighed as soon as Rory left. The Doctor was an intelligent being; the oncoming storm. He could travel through time and space. He could save people and whole universes. Nothing was ordinary about him. Nothing at all about him was human. There is nothing more ordinary or human than love, the Doctor concluded a long time ago. Therefore, he did not fall in love. The Time Lords were a race, adapted to survive. Changing faces every time they die, so that they can live again. Love, logically, could not be a part of the picture. It was pointless and silly and would totally undermine the Time Lord's struggle to survive. Love rendered people weak and human and humans didn't survive. They were all mayflies. Fleeting. Love was fleeting.

However, an irrational part of the Doctor thought perhaps... perhaps that is the beauty of it, love. It is ordinary and human. Perhaps... perhaps... he could eventually warm to the idea somehow, someday?


	4. Big Bang Two

 

"I killed her." Rory said, sounding absolutely distraught and distressed. His eyes were bright with unshed tears. Though he would not cry - he was still holding to the fragile strings of hope. Hope that the Doctor would do something. That he would laugh Rory's statement off, pull out his sonic screwdriver, flash his neon green light in her face and voila! Life!  

The Doctor continued babbling on, deliberately frustrating Rory.

Rory could hardly control himself when the Doctor had the audacity to tell him that Amy, the center of his world and universe, did not matter! Solar systems, universes, all that was out there that was yet to be discovered did not matter all if Amy was hurt or dead! Without thinking, Rory roared at the Doctor and punched him so hard that The Doctor tumbled to the ground. He could not allow himself to feel sheepish, though he was surprised that he had the guts to punch the Doctor. 

The Doctor immediately sprung back up, laughing. How dare he laugh? Rory frowned, preparing to punch the Doctor again - as many times it took to knock some sense into him. However, luckily for the Doctor, Amy was just fine. He sealed Amelia Pond into the Pandorica and left Rory, at his own accord, guarding her. Rory. Good Rory. Good human Rory He was so sick with love, that it left him impaired. He would wait all alone. He would endure through millions bland days and trillions of tedious seconds just to be there for the woman he loved. The Doctor sighed. So human.  

 

_2000 years later..._

 

They were back together, in each others arms as it should always be and the Doctor was glad of that. He thought that something so human as love, would be deteriorate eventually. He thought that love could not stand the test of time. After a while, it would wear thin and eventually disintegrate into nothing. Amy and Rory's love was human and feeble but strong and perpetual at the same time.  

Now they were stood on the rooftop. No time. Time running out. TARDIS exploding. Sun. Sun? No. Not sun... exploding TARDIS... 'I'm sorry my love' … River? River! He felt a little bit sheepish. When he received River's call, he was certain that she had done something wrong. He as almost doubting her when he found out that she was in Amelia's house. However, now, he could not help but blame himself. 

"Hi honey, I'm home." Honey. The endearment, rolled out of his tongue easier that he expected. This was much to his distaste.

"And what sort of time do you call this?" She asked, rolling her eyes. Without warning, she linked arms with him. He felt a blush creep onto his face and hoped that she would not notice. 

The reappeared on the rooftop and River mentioned that she dated a Nestine duplicate. The Doctor's expression quickly turned stoic. Dated? Dated? She... she was... he was... he was her … no. It was fine that she dated! Absolutely fine! I mean, she flirted with him and was extremely quick to throw an innuendo into the mix... that must have meant nothing to her... no.. it meant nothing to him either. He hardly knew River. Silly Doctor, getting a bit too attached.  

 

 

 

He watched Amy and Rory dance for a while. It really was a beautiful sight. They were both so intoxicated by love and it was... it was almost beautiful. It seemed rather... warm and … like perhaps it - love - wasn't so bad after all? He decided that he could not. He could not continue to watch them. The more he watched, the more love seemed bearable. The more love seemed powerful as opposed to feeble. The more he thought about himself and what his life would be with love like that. 

He escaped to the safe haven of his TARDIS.  

"Did you dance? Well you always dance at weddings don't you?" He heard the voice before he saw the face, but he was absolutely certain of who it was. Again, she just appeared without warning, like she always did. However, at that instant, the Doctor could not hate that about her. He was rather pleased. He turned around and YOWZAH!  

" Are you married, River?" He was unsure of why he cared or why it mattered. He just... wanted to make conversation with her, after all, that was what people did? Talk?     
   
"Are you asking?" she asked.    
   
"Yes."   
   
"Yes."   
   
"No, hang on. Did you think I was asking you to marry me, o- o-or asking if you were married?"   
   
"Yes."   
   
"No, but was that "yes", or "yes"?"   
   
"Yes," She responded and the Doctor could not help but notice, that she too looked intoxicated by love. She looked at him like Rory looked at Amy. She looked at him as if she would do anything for him. As if she would wait 2000 years without hesitation. As if she would - well she has already died for him. She was already a fleeting ghost. A fleeting ghost, in love with him. He sighed as soon as she left. He had a feeling that he was already in too deep.  


	5. Space Bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor bumps into River at a space bar

 

As soon as Amy and Rory Pond had entered his TARDIS, ditching their family and friends for timey wimey space adventures, the Doctor had felt rather guilty. He had showed them the infinite beauty of the world. He showed them the starry nights that they could not see in polluted, boring Leadworth. He showed them the adventure and excitement that lurked everywhere that could not be experienced in placid Leadworth. He showed them amazing and astounding creatures and planets and nothing could compare. However, in doing so, he had stolen the pure and simple ability to live an everyday normal life.  

He insisted that they get away. Have a proper honeymoon in their own time era with passports and ridiculously long journeys. Without him. When Amy opened her mouth to protest, the Doctor added that he would be there waiting for them. Two weeks. He would come for them in two weeks. Amy raised her eyebrow skeptically and even though she had a right to, the Doctor could not help but feel offended. He added that he promised.He was tempted to add that he was greedy, selfish and old and all he wanted was friends and companionship, so he couldn't walk away and stay away long, even if he wanted to. 

 

The Doctor did not know what to do with himself. After he dropped them at the airport - they went by bus - he wandered back into his TARDIS. It was silent. Incredibly silent. Never had he been so burdened by silence! He started to fidget and to try and repair bits and bobs in the TARDIS, fiddling with things that he ought not to have. Once he got bored - which was a matter of minutes - he decided that he too should go on holiday. He was rather restless and bored and lonely... a holiday would do him good! Maybe he could find a new companion just for the two weeks that Amy and Rory were not around? A replacement? A rebound? He flicked the TARDIS switches, unaware of where he was going. He honestly did not care. He just wanted to be surprised.  

And surprised he was, when he opened the doors of his TARDIS and found himself at a space bar. He groaned and rolled his eyes at his TARDIS. Alcohol? Really? The TARDIS wanted him to drown his sorrows and find short lived happiness at the bottom of a glass? 

Grudgingly, he walked further into the bar. He felt a chill run down his spine - why was it cold? Why were there so many creatures in a cold space bar? Was the cold a theme or something? As he advanced through the bar, he could not help but feel a little bit stupid and out of place. And lonely. He just wanted to run back into the TARDIS and fetch the Ponds. However, before he could try, he felt a hand clasp his shoulder. He groaned inwardly. Not Captain Jack. Anyone but him. He should have known better than to wonder into a space bar - space bars were Jack's stage!  

He whirled round, bracing himself. However, who he saw was not who he expected. Startled, he stepped back and tripped over an adipose. THUD! This was not good. Not good at all. Many of the creatures in the bar were staring at him and to top it all up, the person who he did not want to embarrass himself in front of, was laughing. She was laughing fondly. As if to say that she had expected him to fall and embarrass himself. He felt a blush creep on his face.This was just what he needed. Raw red face to top up the embarrassment.  

She rolled her eyes and pulled him up onto his feet. When the laughter had subsided, she said "Hello sweetie. I see you have had way too much to drink?" 

Her eyes were full or mirth and something else that he was too scared to define. He could not help the feeling of anger coursing through him like lava in a volcano. "I have not drank anything! Now, if you'll excuse me, I should get going back to the Ponds." He could not stand looking like such an idiot and her laughing and almost expecting him to look like an idiot. He was no one's idiot. Certainly not _hers!_

He turned on the spot and walked attempted to walk back to his TARDIS. Why had she brought him her? 

"Oh, how are they?" River asked following him. There was something in her voice. The familiarity and the softness. It was rather weird. However, his mind did not dwell on that for too long. He was rather grumpy and not at all in the mood for River Song and her nonsense!

"Are you still there?" He replied rather bitterly. All he wanted to do was get away but she wouldn't let him do that.  

She place her palm on his shoulders. "Doctor, what's the matter?" She asked. He stood still and closed his eyes, hating how much he savored her touch. Hating how much it made his hearts leap and hating how it left him feeling so warm that the bar no longer seemed icy. He hated how she made him feel. How she popped up out of nowhere and startled him. He hated how transparent he must seem to her.  

"You tell me! You are from my future! You have your blue book full of spoilers! SO go on! You tell me!" He spat out bitterly, immediately regretting what he had said after it fell. He watched her face intently, ready to relish at hurt in her face. Ready to catch her off guard. Only for a split second, her eyes were wide with shock. He could not even be sure really because now she wore an infuriating grin. 

"Oh, we're having an argument? I love arguments... well not much the arguing but the making up..." she said suggestively making the Doctor blush. He had no idea how to respond to her innuendos. Well he knew how he wanted to respond … but he did not want her to think that she had gotten under his skin. 

"River! You are so difficult!" He laughed. He could not bring himself to stay angry, not when there were butterflies in his stomach. Not when she was so close and he could feel her warm breath against his neck. 

 

 

 

 

They had found themselves as Asgard. She had suggested a picnic at Asgard. He was so tempted to tell her that he was busy and that she should go back to prison. After all, she had killed someone. _A good_ man, she had said. He was so tempted to tell her that if she wanted companionship, she should go find herself a battlefield because he wanted to be alone. However, he could not. He lied, yes. All the time. However, he found that at that instant, he could not lie. He wanted to be in her company. He tried to tell himself that it was to unravel the mystery that surrounded her. Once that was done, he would have all he needed and then be able to leave. However, he knew that that too would be a lie. She was in his life and there was no getting rid of her.  

 

 


	6. Impossible Astronaut

 

The words kept echoing in his head.  

"You have to trust us this time." She said.  

However, he was absolutely furious! Why were they hiding things from him?! Why they being stupid? Without thinking he replied bitterly " Trust you? Sure. But, first of all, Doctor Song, just one thing. Who are you? You're someone from my future. Getting that. But who? Okay. Why are you in prison? Who did you kill, hmm? Now, I love a bad girl, me, but trust you? Seriously."

Initially, he did not feel bad.  He had the right to feel angry at her! How was he supposed to protect his friends if they did not even tell him what was happening? However, as the day wore on, guilt got the better of him. He had replayed the situation in his head, only now thinking rationally. He had literally bit her head of and for no reason, really. He knew that he could trust her. Of course he could. Who would die for someone that they did not care about? Who would deliberately hurt someone they care about? He knew that River Song could be ruthless and cruel. She could kill without even a hint of remorse. However, he knew that that was not _his_   River Song.

Again. He replayed the situation in his head. His callous and caustic words out. Her face did not even falter. He practically interrogated her and made her feel utterly worthless and her face she did not even show it. Maybe she felt as if his anger was justified... as if he had the right to snap at her... as if he she was a burden that he had been putting up with... He groaned, angry at himself; Stupid Doctor! He had thought that he had the right to be angry at her and now that he thought about it, it was the other way round. 

 

 

They continued on as normal.  She darted around the TARDIS pressing buttons and flicking switches. They flirted - well he actually did a considerable amount of flirting this time. She was helping him solve the mystery of the girl. Everything seemed normal on the outside. However, the Doctor could not help but feel as if something had shifted between them. Every time she laughed at one of his comments or smiled, he could see that for a split second, she was reproachful and hesitant. He could see that her eyes were not as bright and that she was not as happy as she usually was. He had to apologise. Or maybe... or maybe... he could let time deal with it... the next time he would see her she would have long forgotten or would have not experienced it... yes, he aimed to take the cowardly way out...

Then Rory had came to him and ruined everything. He told him what River had said in the tunnels. That she was worried about him not knowing her. He groaned inwardly. He would always just be hurting her, He felt like an absolutely despicable creature... He had to apologise. 

 

 

Amy and Canton were looking for orphanages where the child might have come from and Rory was preoccupied, in the lower levels of the TARDIS. Professor River Song stood there - head turned to him. He had just asked her a question - he did not even know what - and she was thinking about it. 

He stood there silently behind her bracing himself. How did he do this? How does one admit they are wrong? He watched her shoulders rise and fall with every breath. Her golden curls that fell onto her back. He sighed quietly to himself. So loyal she had been to him in their brief - he did not know what to call it. Friendship?  She had killed herself so that he could live. She had risked being butchered by the weeping angels to save Amy. He had no reason not to trust her. She had more than proved that the first time they met. 

He wanted to apologize but the words were stuck to his throat. It was funny how stale bitter words fell uncontrolled from his mouth when he was angry, yet on the other side of anger, he could control the release of sweet comforting words. He wanted to say that he was scared. That he was scared and in denial. He was still denying that she did not mean a thing to him. He was still denying the way she made him feel... he was wrong...  

River turned back to him. Her eyes, scrutinizing him with concern.  

"Sweetie, are you alright? You haven't said anything in a long time." She asked. Before he knew it, she was stood so close to him that he could feel her every delicate breath on his skin.  

It felt … intimate... close... warm. And nice. He could not help but like being close to her. He wanted to close his eyes and embrace her and never let go. Yet, it was infinitely more scary than it was comforting.  

"Maybe, I just do not want to talk to you. You are so annoying River Song. So possessive. It's - it's - it's sad and - and pathetic - " He had said before even realizing that he had spoke. He hated himself so much. He was supposed to be apologizing profusely and yet he was causing her more pain.  

Her eyes were placid. Her face resembled stone - worn in places. He looked - properly looked - and she looked fractured, sad and disappointed.  

He reached out, to touch her shoulder and she flinched. He had done that. Made her ice cold.  

"I did not mean that." he quickly added, ashamed at what his words could do.  

"Sure." She whispered. Her voice cold.  She distanced herself from him a bit. "It is alright. Just leave it." She turned to leave and her grabbed her hand. 

" I am an idiot. I say the wrong things. I am sorry to question trusting you. I am sorry to be so mean. I am an idiot. I just... I just do not understand you and … it's not your fault... "  

"You do not have to apologise sweetie. I know it is hard, us meeting backwards." Her eyes softened a bit, though now they were sparkling with tears. She blinked them back and managed a wobbly smile.  

He sighed and pulled her into a hug. They stood there holding each other for a long time. 10 minutes? 20 minutes? He really had no clue at all. All he knew was that it felt safe and he could not help but question why he was given the love of such a good woman. 

After a while, she lets go. Immediately, he missed the weight of her body pressed against his. Instantly, he missed the way her curls tickled his neck. He looked up to see River. Her eyes are gazing fondly into his and her lips are curled into a gentle smile. However, tears are streaming down her face... he'd never seen her so vulnerable and beautiful. 

"Why - why why are you crying?" He asked, arms instinctively drawing around hers. 

"I am not crying." She tried to deny. However, it was futile, as tears were creating rivers on her cheek. He gripped her tighter and frowned. I

She shook her head and freed herself from his grip. "It is nothing really. It is just that... our timelines... I haven't - you haven't - " She stopped there and a fake bright smile settled on her face. If he had not seen her crying only minutes before, he would have been convinced. That hurt all the more. He had seen that smile before so many times and he had allowed himself to believe that it was genuine, when it may have been thinly veiled pain, grief and sorrow. He should have known better... he sighed heavily as she turned away from him and walked away. 

His mind would not settle, thinking of all the ways she could have ended that sentence. _You haven't love me in such a long time. You haven't held me in your arms in such a long time. You haven't treated me right in such a long time. You haven't seen me - properly seen me for who I am in such a long time._ His hearts ached with sorrow and though he had apologized, he still felt a horrible monster. Monsters did not deserve love because monsters cannot love. They're selfish, old and greedy. They promise people all of space and time, not to be kind, but because they are bored. How could see something worth loving when she looked at him? What had he done to deserve the love of such a good woman? 

 


	7. Know better than to fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, and this is my friend River, nice hair, clever, has her own gun and unlike me, she really doesn’t mind shooting people. I shouldn't like that. Kind of do a bit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. 
> 
> That scene in the day of the moon, where the Doctor and River are flirting, when they are supposed to be saving Amy, really sums up their relationship for me. I love it, do I just made this whole chapter based on that scene. Hope you like it guys. :) Thanks for reading.

He swaggered out of the TARDIS confidently. He was going to save Amelia Pond from the Silence.

The Silence were scowling at him and it was rather funny for the Doctor. Well not hahaha this is so hilarious funny, but sort of 'did you seriously think that you could kidnap Amelia Pond and get away with it' funny. As all the legends and the rumors put it, he was the oncoming storm!

He smirked at them. Rambling. Trying to buy time till the moon landing and till his plan was set in motion. "Oh, and this is my friend River, nice hair, clever, has her own gun and unlike me, she really doesn’t mind shooting people. I shouldn't like that. Kind of do a bit."  

The impact of his words had not hit him until he had said them. They had come out do freely and easily. They were the sort of honest truths that a person blurts out when they were drunk and deny the next morning when sober. He was drunk and without common sense, yet seeing things clearly for the  first time. For a second - or rather more sentence, he had let his guards down and out came something he had never let himself admit. She had well and truly got under his skin.  

There was no denying now that she was merely just someone from his future, when he had defined her as a friend in the present. There was no avoiding her and running away when her presence made him feel blissful. He could not hope to continue running, even if he tried. He had just complimented her. _Nice hair._ When had he noticed her hair? He could not for the life of him remember what anyone else's hair looked like... well apart from Amy's as it was ginger and he wanted to be ginger. The more and more he thought about her, the more and more he was consumed with fear. Now his hearts were no longer resistant to all assaults of affection. That scared the hell out of him. He was feeling... feeling... going all weak at the knees for a human. She was already a fleeting ghost and already past her sell by date. Their days were numbered right from the start. He had already lost her and it would not be long till he lost her again. Stupid humans with short life spans.  

"Thank you sweetie." She replied. He was hoping that she had not been listening intently to what he had been saying. That she was unaware of his little slip, too caught up by the tense situation. Alas, he was wrong. River Song as ever, was sharp.  

"I know you are team players and everything but she will definitely kill the first three of you." 

"The first seven, easily." She added. Now she was behind him. Her curls tickling his neck. What was this he was feeling? Excitement? He shouldn't feel a little turned on by the fact that she could kill seven Silences and not even feel a morsel of regret. She was deadly, feisty and on his side. 

 

 

 

 

He had insisted on taking her on another adventure. He had told her that he would take her wherever in space or time that she wanted, as a thank you. He had promised her that there would be trouble, running and fighting. Her eyes did not light up like his companion's did when he offered them all the dangers, beauty and treasures of space and time. She did not seem too impressed. She had been there, done that already, from what he could sense. The way she looked at him was as if, his usual tricks would not work with her at all. All she needed, wanted and craved was to be with him. It did not matter where it was they were or when they were going. This unnerved him a little. He actually wanted her to stay, although he would not outright admit that. As much as he liked his friend, he'd prefer not to see her smug smile at his expense. As she would not be dissuaded, he insisted that the least he could do was escort her out of the TARDIS.  Amy and Rory watched him vigilantly as he left the TARDIS with River. He caught Amy's glance and it was full of mirth. Future Mrs Doctor, he could practically hear her saying. 

They were standing outside her prison cell. It was weird; he had never been there before. It seemed rather bland. There was a hard looking bed, pushed against the wall. There was a drawer but apart from that, the room was empty. It bothered him that a person as vibrant and adventurous as River was kept in a room so mundane and barren. It bothered him more than the fact that she had killed a man. A good man. She had blood smeared on her hands and trouble was adamant about following her around. However, it bothered him that she was there in a boring prison.  

"Okay. Up to you. See you next time. Call me." He told her as he walked away from her cell, feeling rather crestfallen. _Call me?_ That sounded so domestic, he thought. Once, he would have happily ran away from her and now, all he wanted, was for her to find him.  

"Have I forgotten something?" He asked, walking back towards her after. Before he could register, her lips were pressed against his and she was kissing him. At first he was startled, but it did not take him long to respond and kiss her back. His arms flailed at his side, unsure of what to do, but his lips were certain.  

They pulled away and he literally sprinted back into his TARDIS. He was... he was... excited... he was way in over his head and he had to get away... he had to... her face fell as soon as he had revealed that that was the first time she had kissed him and he hated himself for it, but he had to get away. He had too. Because he was in way too deep. He was fond of her. More than fond. Way more that fond. He didn't just like her. He didn't just want her. He wasn't just besotted. He didn't just need her. He was... he could not bring himself to admit it...   

She was human. Fleeting. A ghost. And he should have known better than to fall.  


	8. A good man goes to war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor finally finds out who River is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah :) This chapter was fun to write.  
> Thank you all you guys who are reading and commenting and giving my work kudos. I really appreciate it.  
> Thank you Chief Doctor, for all your comments. Your comment on the I think on the last chapter, made me reflect about the story and now I have a better idea of where it is going, so thank you. Thank you Regency, DoctorsRiver (butterflyarashi), drunkonpancakes, BloodyBrokenAngel, OneMoreDay and dar, for commenting. :)  
> Love you guys.  
> Also, thanking you for not complaining about the many grammatical and spelling mistakes I am making.

He had been waiting. Waiting for her to call. Waiting for her to fall out of the sky. Waiting for her to beckon him again. He was waiting for her. However, she did not want to be found

Eventually, he decided that he would seek her out instead of wait. He had become incredibly impatient. He craved her presence. He wanted to run his hand through the untamed mess that was her curls. He wanted to hold her hand and to run with her. He wanted to be at the receiving end of her flirting and he wanted her. He needed her. He had no idea that feelings for another person could be so greedy and so overpowering. He loathed the way that she made him feel. He hated that she made him feel this way, because he was scared. He wasn't supposed to feel human. No one was supposed to make him feel that way. However, she was like no one else. She was adamant about going against the rules. Always armed with a gun. Always so fierce, feisty and funny all at the same time. He missed her. He missed her so much that he decided that he would swallow his pride - or fear - and seek her out. Turn up at her doorstep deliberately.  

Each time he went back to storm cage, River Song was not there. Her hard bed was empty and the cell was almost grieving in her absence. The guards just shrugged and told him that she would eventually be back. He had tried the space bar again - more than once. He insisted to Amelia and Rory that it would be a great idea. They would have the chance to integrate with the alien community and to see the Slitheen drunk. Who didn't want to see the Slitheen drunk. It was hilarious! Their pupils dilated and - he was spouting rubbish, and they knew it. He had already told them about bumping into River their previously and Amelia was amused, whilst Rory was skeptical about meeting a drunk River Song.  

Alas. All attempts seemed futile. As if she was deliberately hiding from him. After a couple months, he stopped looking for her. Amy was teasing him far too much for his liking. She kept throwing around the words 'wife' and 'lovesick husband.' Rory didn't tease, however, he seemed obviously amused by the Doctor's affections.  

Eventually, he stopped talking about her to his friends. However, she still protruded into his mind. What if she was just did not want to be stuck with him? What if he had messed up big time and she had decided that loving such a monster was not worth all the heartache or distress. What if he was just destined to be lonely? What if he deserved her absence; he hadn't treated her we when she was present.  

After the three months he spent trying to lure her out, he decided that it was time to immerse himself in adventure. It was rather fun, considering that she wasn't there. His TARDIS had materialized into a woman. Rory nearly died - what was it with Rory, always brushing death by inches? And he got made into a flesh double.  

He spent a lot of time noticing a lot of things. For one, River's absence. Another, Amy's pregnancy. She had told him she was pregnant and then that she was not. Then he had checked and her child's DNA was … wrong... Also, that girl. The little girl that the spacesuit was trying to eat. The girl had been stolen... why would they want to steal an ordinary girl? Except, she wasn't, was she? River had pointed that out. She broke out of the space suit. Had to be strong. So a not so ordinary girl. They had kidnapped Amy too. Why Amy? Why then? It could not all be coincidences. And... and and... Amy wasn't right... she was lost, maybe. There was something about her that was wrong. He was confused. Unsure and confused about what was happening around him.  

So when he had revealed that Amelia Pond was  lost a long time ago, it verified his thought that something was happening that was more than coincidences. Whoever wanted the girl and whoever had an agenda. He had no idea what. He was rather scared for Amy. yes, he would save her. Of course he would, but what would they do to her in that mean time? What would they do to her baby? Along with scared, the Doctor was rather excited. He would finally have a reason to sought out River and she would feel compelled to help him. To help Amy. She would have to come and help and when she did, he would never let her leave again. He tossed the vortex manipulator at a distressed Rory.  

"Go change into your centurion clothes. We will not stand for this! We will have Amelia and her baby safe and sound!" 

"What can just the two of us do?" Rory asked, disheartened. "They probably have whole armies, waiting for us."  

"We have an army too. Well not yet, but will we do."  

 

 

Rory was back. All alone. The Doctor frowned. "Where is she?"  

"She is not coming!" Rory spat out with disgust. His face was contoured with fury and disappointment.  

"What do you mean she is not coming?" The Doctor probed, unable to stop himself from feeling absolutely crestfallen.  

"She said she can’t help you. That she could not. Gave no proper reason. Just refused." Rory explained. Anger surged through the Doctor's old bones. He thought he could rely on her. He had finally surrendered and allowed himself to trust her. He had tried... tried to be there for her... and yet, she was not there when he needed her the most.  

"We don't need her!" The Doctor scowled. He was angry. Disappointed and angry. How dare she not be there for him? For them?! 

 

All was lost. 

He approached Amy apologetically. He hated himself more than she could ever. He was ashamed and he would never forgive himself for letting this happen. Her face killed him the most. Her gaze was icy. She stared at him as if she could not recognize him anymore. He was not the Doctor; her Doctor. He was a repulsive cruel monster.  

Rory drew instinctively around her. As if he were defending his wife from something grotesque. I _t's me... your friend..._ The Doctor thought.  

All was lost.  

There was nothing more for him to wreck. He had inflicted suffering on his best friends and they now hated him. 

The air crackled. He heard her voice before he saw her. "Well then soldier, how goes the day?" He whirled around to find her smiling. She had the cheek, the audacity to smile. To not feel even the least bit ashamed.  

"Where the hell have you been? Everytime I have asked, I have been there. Where the hell were you today?!" He demanded. She was his friend... she was more than... and she didn't even try. She did not even try to support him. He is standing frighteningly close to her, and he doesn't get the usual buzz that he does from being that close. Instead, he feels as if her presence is repulsive. All he wanted to do is get away from her as fast as possible. 

"I could not have prevented this." Her face was stoic and remorseless. Wow. He had got her so wrong! He had got her so wrong! He thought that she at least had a morsel of compassion. Yes, she had blood smeared all over her hands, but he thought that when it came to people she cared about, that she would … at least use her killer instincts to protect her loved ones... But she didn’t care about anyone obviously.  

"You could have tried!" He growled, walking away from her. He could not bear to look at her face.  

"And so my love could you."  

"You think I wanted this?! I didn't do this! This, this wasn't me!" He shouted, outraged.  

"This was exactly you. All this, all of it. You make them so afraid. When you began, all those years ago, sailing off to see the universe, did you ever think you'd become this? The man who can turn an army around at the mention of his name? Doctor? The word for healer and wise man, throughout the universe. We get that word from you, you know. But if you carry on the way you are, what might that word come to mean? To the people of the Gamma Forests, the word "Doctor" means mighty warrior. How far you've come. And now they've taken a child... the child of your best friends... and they're going to turn her into a weapon, just to bring you down. And all this, my love...in fear of you." He was startled. Completely rattled. How... no one had ever talked to him like that before... her voiced oozed with judgment, disappointment and anger... How dare she?   

He walked back towards her, till they were close together. It did not feel intimate as it usually did, being close. It did not feel welcomed or he did not feel flustered or embarrassed. No. It felt rather tense. His fists were clenched and his eyes were merely slits, glaring at her. For a minute, he put aside his guilt for losing the Pond's baby. 

"Who are you?" He demanded. 

"Oh, look, your cot, haven't seen that in a very long while..." She responded, and the Doctor, angry, gripped her arm, as she tried to get away.  

"No, you tell me who you are!" He demanded. 

She released her grip from his and placed her hand over his. "I am telling you." She responded softly and he looks at her. Actually looks at her, and her eyes are soft and her curls are untamed, as usual. He feels her soft hands, grazing the back of his, and he the anger drain out of him. How he had longed for her touch.  

"Can't you read?" She asked. He looked down to the cut and actually read what it said... he actually read it and he felt his hearts jump into his throat. He looked at her. He looked at her for the very first time. He looked at her properly, absorbing in every detail. Shocked. He knew it could not be a coincidence... the little girl... Amy... but like... the way things had played out? He never would have guessed...  

She smiled at him and her smile was disarming. Oh... wow.... he had no idea what to say. No idea how to begin. He was happy.... happy... oh... more than happy... euphoric... he could feel his hearts pound against her chest... 

"Hello." He finally said.  

"Hello." She replied, with a sultry edge to her voice. He let out a giggle. He actually giggled like an idiot, but he did not care. He really did not care at all. 

He wanted to hug her. To kiss her. To … wow... it was... it was... "But that means..." She was the little girl. She was part Timelord... he was not alone... 

"I am afraid it does." She replied. He was practically bouncing off the walls with all the excitement. He wanted to kiss her. To hold her and never let go. But not in front of her parents... her parents... her grieving parents... he had to find her. Had to find her. He finally had hope.  

He eventually ran off into his TARDIS. He ran off to find their baby. To find Melody. 

River Song. He bloody loved her.  

He loved her so much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, the Doctor finally admits that what he has for River is love. I was a bit sort of hesitant when I named his feeling, because the whole point of the story is that the Doctor loves River, but she is unaware just how he feels. So i added that he feels love for her but I do not think that there will be an actual 'I love you.' from him.


	9. The Frozen River

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am hoping that this is not what you guys expect. I thought that I would do something a little different. This chapter is not post Good Man Goes to War River or the Doctor. But I will eventually get there.  
> I promise, it will all tie in.  
> Have fun reading. Enjoy! I should update in the next couple of days as I have already written the next two chapters, but I am going through them for errors - something which I ought to do more.

River Song sighed heavily. It was her birthday. Birthdays were days inherently laced with excitement, however, the joy fizzled out when she actually reflected about previous birthdays. She didn't know whether it hurt more thinking about the amazing birthdays or about the awful ones. 

On the day she was born, she has been snatched away from her parents. As she grew older, the Silence cultivated her into a psychopath. Birthdays were no existent. They were blurred into days that seemed like long stretches of perpetual hate, suffering and training. 

However, her birthdays in Leadworth as Mels were amazing. Amy and Rory would get her something inexpensive, small and juvenile. It would be smothered in newspaper and heavy on selotape. However, she would feel absolutely over the moon and special. As they grew older, their presents became more sophisticated. Soon enough, they were old enough to go clubbing. Mels would dress in short cut, glittery dresses. Her, Amy and Rory would initially start of at the bar. Mels would have way too much to drink than she could handle. She would dance with complete strangers till she was glowing with sweat, or till they tried to take advantage. In the latter case, Rory - bless him - would jump in. Then Mels would throw up. Amy would stroke her hair gently and Rory would roll his eyes fondly, in a sort of, what will we do with you, way. These were always the best birthdays. 

She felt tears blur her vision and tried to blink them away. Yes, no one was around for her to hide the damage from. However, she needed to be strong; to calm herself down. Crying never achieved anything. Why had she been so stupid and allowed the happy memories to permeate through? They were the most brutal, she decided. Thinking of her happy, young, carefree days, where she wasn't burdened with wondering when would be her last. Was last year her last happy birthday? Her parents had barely known her then and the Doctor was hesitant. He'd kissed her on the cheek as consolation when she accidentally slipped that it was her birthday. But even still, that was with great reluctance. When would it be the last time that she saw her parents and the Doctor? When would be the last day that the people who she cared about, didn't even know who she was? 

River Song was not expecting much at all for this birthday. She had let go of the her far fetched, almost romantic notions, that a blue box would come for her. She threw her think duvet over her head and curled up into a ball underneath it. Her bed was unwelcoming and concrete hard, however, it was the best place for her at that moment. There was no point doing anything else really. Sure, she could escape from Stormcage as if all the doors were wide open. However, the loneliness was greedy and persistently gnawing at her hearts. For the life of her, she could not muster the effort to be a part of a world where everyone gave her perplexed, intrigued looks. For once, she wanted someone who knew her. Someone who'd see her as transparent. 

She must have fallen asleep and it must have been a deep sleep because she hadn't even heard the whirling of the TARDIS. She eventually woke up, groggily pulling the duvet from over her head. Standing there over her, was her husband... only... he wasn't her husband yet. Still, her hearts skipped several beats and she was feeling hopeful... he was not her husband yet, but he was gazing at her fondly. Wasn't exactly early days... she did not need her diary to know that. Just before America, she had concluded. Just before she killed him... and by the looks of it, just before he concocted a plan to save himself. He gazed at her as if she was worth something. As if she was precious, though he looked rather regretful too. He was scared too - not by her presence, for once - but by death. If only she could tell him that it did not end there. Instead, she cracked a smile. The brightest that she could and she stood up. 

"River," he finally said. His voice had induced shivers through her. The way he had said her name, fervently and gentle, as if only she mattered... maybe she imagined it... maybe that is how she wanted him to sound when he said her name? "Happy birthday." He added. He pulled her hands into his and squeezed it tightly. "I have a surprise for you, honey." 

"As always, sweetie." She replied, rolling her eyes fondly, in an attempt to downplay just how extremely happy she felt. 

They walked to the TARDIS quietly. Both of them blissful in each other's silence. The Doctor had not seen his... what was she? Partner? Friend? … his River, in a long time. He silently savored every moment. Silently gazing at her as if he'd never seen beauty that radiant before. He was so impaired, sick and overwhelmed with love. For once he wasn't scared... maybe that was because he was going to die? 

She was struck silent by how surreal it was... she had thought that here last birthday was a last. However, her he was again. 

 

He had taken her to the last of the frost fairs. She laughed inwardly at the irony. He had taken her to the last of the frost fairs... maybe that was a hint... maybe this would be her last happy birthday? The River Thames was frozen over and they skated hand in hand as Stevie Wonder sang. They skated together, all day, until the pale blue sky was overtaken by a pitch black night sky adorned with stars. Many times she had seen stars. She had seen the birth of galaxies and solar systems and it was something she was familiar with. However, seeing stars, held in the Doctor's arms was the most magical way to see stars. 

"Aren't you going to ask?" The Doctor asked, after a long stretch of silence. 

"Ask what?" She replied. 

"Why here?" He responded. 

"Why?" 

"I brought River Song to a frozen River where Stevie Wonder sang... I wanted to be able to say that. Also, the River will thraw and the song will dissipate in the air and this will all disappear in time. However, in my hearts, River Song will always be here... I have gone all poetic... poetry is cool." He said silently. She looked up to find him avoiding her gaze and fidgeting. Oh, he was so cute when he was nervous. She chuckled and pulled him into a kiss. 

When they pulled apart, he was startled to find her crying. However, she was smiling through her tears... she was happy; happier than he had ever seen her before. He had finally did something right. Finally, he had treated her the way she deserved, instead of hurt her. He placed his gangly arms around her waist and pulled her towards him. He too, he realized after, was crying. He didn’t deserve her, however, he would try and love her as much as his hearts could muster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it was a bit confusing, this River hasn't yet seen Rory telling her about how the Doctor needs her.  
> This Doctor is just before the Closing Time, in that period of time when he is running away from his death.  
> Therefore, it is all before they get married. I am sorry if you got that and me stating this is just patronizing.  
> Hope you lot enjoyed :)


	10. Stormcage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River is visited at stormcage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Hope you've had lovely weeks. :)

She was back in Stormcage. She wasn't just happy. Happiness was dull compared to the way she was feeling. She was extremely elated and feeling euphoric. The sirens were on, but in the mood she was in, they sounded like birds singing in the trees. Stormcage was dull, yes, but the way she was feeling, everything was sunny and bright. She laughed to herself... maybe this was a taste of her own medicine? Maybe she was feeling the way that others did when she used her hallucinogenic lipstick on them? 

She danced to the phone to inform them that she was returning back to her cell. After which, she continued dancing. She felt so elated, that it was on the verge of vulnerability. She continued to dance towards her cell and stopped when she saw a figure, rendered obscure in the shadows. 

"Are you boys dressing up as soldiers? I thought nobody read my memos." 

He walked towards her and said "Doctor Song." 

Dad! Her hearts almost leaped out of her chest happily... no... not dad. Rory. Rory. Her hearts ached a tiny bit. A Rory who did not know her yet... 

"It’s Rory. Sorry, have we met yet? Time streams, I am not quite sure where we are" Her face faltered a bit. Having a timey wimey life, wasn't always easy. She felt like crying a bit, because oh how life could be so cruel. Only once in a while, she was granted happiness. Only once in a while, she was granted pure blissful happiness unburdened by pain. And then, then, life hit her. Hard.

"Yes, yes, we've met." She replied, her voice a little too tender than it should have been. She swallowed down the tears that itched at her throat. She walked towards him and when they were a closer, she said, "Hello Rory," She had wanted to say Dad. Hello Dad, but she'd settle for Rory. At least he was here, on her birthday. At least he was here, even if it probably did not mean a thing to him, it meant the worlds for her. 

Rory looked taken aback. Properly by her tone or her manner. River Song had always seemed to him as quite brave. The sort to either flirt or hide the damage. However, she was happy. Extremely happy and it was almost vulnerable. From what he knew, she did not do vulnerable... Before he could stop himself from prying, he asked "What’s wrong?" 

Oh Rory, she thought. Sweet, protective caring Rory. Some things would never change. He still cared for her, even though he did not know her properly yet. She was silent for a minute, unsure of what to say. She couldn't very well tell him that she had missed him so much and hadn't expected him to stop by. She couldn’t tell him that it hurt a bit that he did not know that she was his daughter. She couldn't tell him that all she wanted was a hug, to make all the pain dissipate away. She opened her mouth and let out a sort of gasp, unsure of what to say. Before releasing, words were falling out and she was just telling him things that he did not need to know. He always had that affect on her. Back in the America, when he had asked her what she meant by a far worst day coming for her. 

" It's my birthday. The Doctor took me ice skating on the River Thames in 1814, the last of the great frost fairs. He got Stevie Wonder to sing for me under London Bridge." She blurted out happily. 

He looked confused and asked, "Stevie Wonder sang in 1814?" 

"Yes, he did. But you must never tell him." She replied. 

"I've come from the Doctor too." Rory said. 

Her face fell a bit. "Yes, but at a different point in time." 

"Unless there's two of them." 

"Now, that's a whole different birthday." She heads for her cell and pulls diary from her muff and reads it. 

"He needs you!" Rory said, no longer wanting to beat around the bush. 

"Demon's Run." She said gravely. She unfortunately knew all about Demon's Run. 

"How...how did you know?" Rory asked confused. 

"I'm from his future. I always know. Why on earth are you wearing that?" Trying to stall time, if possible. 

Eventually, Rory gets back to the problem at hands. "They've taken Amy. And our baby. The Doctor's getting some people together, we're going after her, but he needs you too." He told her. She knows. Oh Rory, I know. She was on the verge of tears. She remembered it so vividly. Amy clinging onto Rory, because she was drowning in grief. She telling them that she was their daughter. Amy's utter disbelief. Angry disbelief and questions. She would not get to cradle her baby in her arms. She would not see when her firsts. The first time she walked. The first word she spoke. The first time she regenerated. All they got as a consolation was her. A grown up psychopath. A grown damaged psychopath who resolved every situation with guns. 

"I can't. Not yet, anyway." 

Rory had stared at her with utter disbelief. He was absolutely furious and that scared her a little. She wasn't scared of Daleks - they were toys for her to play with. She certainly wasn't scared of Sontarans. They were her dinner. She liked them best baked ans stuffed with cheese, although, occasionally, she'd get adventurous and try something new, just for the sake of it. She could not take the Slitheen serious and Cybermen were way too old school for her. River Song, never really felt fear much, however, the way her father looked at her, and talked to her that day was the closest she had come. She wanted to cry, but remained somber and tear less. 

When he left, she threw herself on her bed, not bothering to change and cradled her ice skating shoes in her arms. He was disappointed. Really utterly disappointed. That was enough to dampen her happiness. 

 

When the Doctor had finally arrived at Stormcage, he could not help but smile. He felt completely shattered and exhausted. He was filled with utter resentment for himself, that refused to relinquish. Still, he smiled. River Song, Melody Pond, was so beautiful. 

She stared at him bemused, as she went to open the metal bar gate that separated them. She went back to sit on her bed and the Doctor followed in suit. He completely hated himself. Absolutely hated himself. He had lost her. He had not done enough to keep her safe and to protect her. She had come seeking him out and he refused to trust her. He deprived her of stability, love and normality. Yet still, she looked at him, utterly besotted. As if he had done so much for her. He really did not deserve her and did not know where to begin. 

However, despite the internal conflict inside of him, he could not help but smile at her. She looked so beautiful. She was dressed in a velvet purple and gold gown. Her hair was done up and she wore a matching purple hat on her head. In her hands, she cradled black ice skating boots. He cast her a perplexed look at her appearance, and she smiled. "Spoilers," she added. 

He had no idea where to begin. He had left the asteroid, excited. Renewed with hope. It had been cruel to leave his two best friends without even a proper explanation. They were grieving, vulnerable and hurt and it really must have caused them more pain, that again, the Doctor was not telling them information that concerned their own child. It had been absolutely horrible of him to leave River to deal with the aftermath, all on her own. He knew that he should have stayed. However, he did not. 

He had to find Melody Pond. He thought he could. She was still alive, if she was River. He had went back to New York, just after they had left. He had heard rumors of a girl who was dying but fixed that. He had felt the regeneration energy nearby, but alas, he was so close, but yet so far away. He tried going back to before they got to America. He had seen her. However, as much as he wanted to, he could not just take her into his TARDIS and give her to her parents. He did not want to create a humongous paradox. So, he went to a year after she had regenerated, which was a futile attempt. He had been unable to find Melody Pond and now, he was doubting if he ever would... 

His enthusiasm and renewed hope had fizzled out and now he was desperate. Extremely desolate and desperate. A bit of anxiety crept through his bones, as if it were a spider. What if he could not find her? What if that wasn't supposed to happen? He groaned, frustratedly and punched the TARDIS console. He was an absolute monster. He really was. He had just left pain and grieve in his path. 

He had to find River... he has to talk to her... to ask...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, the Doctor has finally arrived at Stormcage to discuss what happened to Melody.  
> I always love this bit in fanfics.  
> Like, there is so much that could happen. He could finally confess his love ans tell her he trusted her all along but refused to admit out of stubbornness. She could fall apart and he could hold her or the reverse could happen. He could shout at her and leave in bad terms after she refuses to let him change her timeline. The chapter could end with the word 'spoilers.' Or they could go of in an adventure.  
> I can't wait! Like, one of the things I love about writing this is that despite following the plot, there is lean way for imagination and creativity, when it comes to all those hidden scenes.  
> Love you guys! Hope life is good.


	11. Where do I find Melody?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor finally asks River where to find Melody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy reading. Hope it is good. :)

"Melody..." He said gently and she was almost startled... he never called her Melody. This must be after Demon's run for him. She took a sharp intake of breath. She had been expecting this - it was always going to happen. She had just never expected it to be on her birthday. Why oh why was so much being thrown at her on her birthday? She sighed inwardly. Fate was indeed cruel. She had been given a Doctor whose hearts belonged to her, only then to be confronted by a Doctor whose heart she would have to break... she knew immediately what he was going to end up asking and she knew that the answer would not be one he'd like. Knowledge was such a burden. 

"Doctor." She responded wearily, placing her hand on his arm. Was it too soon? She wondered. This Doctor had had his first kiss, but that was all, if she could remember correctly... And after his first kiss, he was not exactly to keen to be intimate with her again. He had run off. She had kissed him and her husband had run off. She expected him to flinch - yes, she was Melody - but that wouldn't change the way he felt about her. He'd feel guilty and want to protect her, but her being Melody, would not make him love her. However, she hoped that he since then he had warmed to her touch. Prayed silently to the non existent Gods even. She was delighted to find, that he had. He moved in closer. Now, their shoulders were pressed against each other. 

He had no right to feel so comforted by her touch. He had no right to feel so warm inside by her mere presence alone. He had no right to have her loyalty and love. He really did not deserve her at all. He sighed heavily. The thing that hurt was that for her, it must seem the other way round. She must feel as if she had no right to love such an amazing creature as him. That thought made him drown mentally in self hate. He was such an amazing creature that he allowed someone so special and remarkable to get lost twice. She'd probably downplay her sufferings and pain if he asked, but now, he knew better. |She probably carried scars that he could not see and that she would never trust herself to let him see. He was so amazing that he had let her get hurt; he had let his own stubborn hearts resist all assaults of affection. He had shouted, expecting her to know better than to not be what he needed. He had run away when she merely tried to kiss him. Okay fine, he was not expecting her to wear her heart on her sleeves, but even still, he had seen the sheer devastation that he left on her face and he ran like a coward. He had to, absolutely had to make it up to her. 

"Melody, do I find you?" He asked. He was surprised to find that his voice was coarse and raspy. He stared her in the eyes - how dare he? He did not deserve to look at her. He was chocking down tears that threatened to fall. He couldn't bear the last frail string of hope being cut. 

She tried to avoid his gazed and stared at the ice skating boots cradled in her arms. "Spoilers," she replied sadly. 

She had expected anger. He was the oncoming storm after all. He wouldn't have that title if he always remained cool, calm and collected. She expected for lightening to crackle and for the wind to roar. She had anticipated acidic razor sharp rain drops to pelt her. To wear away at her skin as if it were rock and pierce and poison her. However, he did not jump away and his eyes were not wide with fury and anger... there was a look that she could not quite decipher in his eyes for a minute. Was that guilt? She would have preferred his anger actually. He treated her so well - not getting angry at her when he ought too. 

"Please." The Doctor pleaded desperately. "Please. Please." She willed herself to look in his eyes and she could see how deject and morose he was looking. Oh, she wished that she would be the person to make his eyes light up with hope. 

"No Doctor. You do not find me. I find you sweetie." She eventually said quietly. She could hear it. It was silent, but she had really good hearing. She could hear his hearts crack. Loathe seeped into her blood as if it were poison. Soon enough, her cells were being bathed in the venom. Oh how much she despised her self! His eyes were glazed with warm tears and he was slouching besides her. All hope completely extinguished. She really was a cruel repulsive tyrant. She wanted to tell him that it would all turn out alright. That Amy and Rory were made out of strong stuff, and that despite the overwhelming grief, they would resurface, stronger than ever. She wanted to tell him that they would stop blaming him and forgive him; that they would embrace her as their own. They would love her - though this was probably for his sake, she thought.

He felt absolutely awful. He had done this. River at Demon's run was right. It was all his fault. It really was. They'd taken her and fashioned her into a weapon, just to bring him down. They had pushed Amelia and Rory past the brink of despair, just to get him down. All of this would not have happened, if it wasn't for him. In a non timey wimey world, River would be Melody. She would grow up, lavished and loved by her parents. If River was Melody... what made him feel worse is that in a way, he was glad that they had lost her. He was a selfish old man and if she'd been brought up normally, she would not have been River Song. The lady who his hearts yearned for. The lady who looked at him as if he was wonderful. The lady who made his life interesting... if he could, he wouldn't even try and reverse things. That is what hurt the most. He wouldn't want to give her up despite all the anguish that Amy and Rory were going through... 

"River." He said, his voice raspy and rough. "Do … was... did you suffer?" 

He looked in her eyes pleadingly. He did not want sincerity. That would cripple him. He wanted comfort. That was the problem with him sometimes. He would look at her with that 12 year old face, expecting her to be honest and to take of her mask, but he looked so fragile. As if he could not handle it. She sighed heavily. Of course she had suffered. "It was worth it. I wouldn't change it for the world..." 

"No, I asked if..." He responded, rather aggressively. There it was, the anger. She was almost relieved. He was being way too civil with her. 

"I think you are asking the wrong question. If I suffered does not matter. If I suffered in vain is what matters. However, I did not. I suffered for a reason so ultimately, it doesn't matter whether I suffered or not. What matters is the outcome... and I have my parents now. I have..." She was going to add that she had him, however, that would be untrue. She did not have him. She had his attention from time to time. She had his care and compassion, but she did not have him... not his love... 

He shot up furiously. He was shaking vigorously and his hands were clenched into a tight fist. She could feel him heave in air - trying and failing to stay calm. He pulled off his bow tie from around his neck and she watched as the red velvet strip hit the dusty concrete ground. She just waited and watched. He began to kick her table. After several attempts the table, wounded, had collapsed onto the ground. The vase on top of it, smashing on the ground. He howled as if he were a wounded animal. At this point, hot angry tears were sliding down this raw red face. The way his face was creased, he looked like he was in sheer agony. She breathed in slowly, watching and waiting. A good wife would console her not quite yet husband. However, he needed to release his anger and fury somehow. he minutes to follow were crammed through with him demolishing and destructing her room. She watched and waited until he tried to punch the wall. At which point, she shut up and curled her palm around his fist. "Sweetie, don't," He cried a little more after that. When she could feel his anger subside, she placed her palms on his beating hearts. They were pounding vigorously against his chest, as if begging for release from where they were caged. She place her head on his chest and he wrapped his arms loosely around her. After a couple minutes that felt like lifetimes and lifetimes that felt like eternities, the Doctor's breathing was back to normal. His salty tears had dried on his face, leaving it a bit stiff and his eyes were sore. Never had he felt so human. River was still resting on him. He held her tighter and sighed heavily. She looked up to gaze in his eyes. "I don't deserve you." 

Now it was her time to get angry. She pulled away from him and frowned at him. For a second, he thought as if she was going to cry. As if she was going to completely loose it the way he had done. He felt rather guilty, because first of all, he had broken most of the things in her room, so if she were going to attempt to break things, she would have less to break. Also, he felt guilty because she really did not get it. He was the monster here, not her. How manipulative he must be to let her believe that she did not deserve him. "Don't you dare! Don't you dare blame yourself sweetie. It will all be fine, I promise. All this hurt and pain will eventually dissipate and become nothing. All this grief will die. It will be fine, I promise." She said. "But seriously, I do not deserve you! I lost you and do not find you - " "I already said. I find you," She interrupted angrily. "You do not have to feel bad about -" "But I let you down, admit it!" "You have never let me down... " She replied, but it was not convincing. "River! Why do you have to be..." Before he could allow himself to finish the sentence, he closed the distance between them and kissed her. Pressed against her, he could feel her hearts beat. He felt a little less broken. He could feel her love, slowly fixing him. Why did she have to be such a good woman? Why did she have to be so loyal to him? Why did she have to love him, flaws and all? He thought loving her was scary, but the amount of devotion and love she had for him was infinitely more scary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that I wanted to make this chapter a mixture of emotions. I initially started off thinking, hmm, perhaps I could depict a Doctor furious at River, however, I made him more angry at himself for what he has inflicted on her. I was sort of hesitant about adding their kiss. I wince whenever I read a fanfic with kissing in it - which is pretty much most. I do not know how to describe a kiss really. So sorry if when they kiss, I wrote it rubbish.


	12. You reject me at the promise of forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Hope that life is treating you well!   
> Initially, when I started the story, I thought it would just be in the Doctor's POV, but I have been adding River's POV so I guess, we will see where this is going.

The Doctor was entertaining the idea that he would never leave River Song. Since discovering that she was Melody Pond, he had not left her cell. He spent the linear days - well he lost track of the days - just with her.  Talking to her by day and the nights holding her. He spent most of the time blushing as she flirted, hearts pounding and blood racing. He was well and truly besotted. He learnt about whom she was and her many close encounters with Daleks and Sontarans. He watched her absorbing everything; committing everything to memory. The was her eye lids wrinkled when she laughed. The small bump on her nose. The colour of each individual curl.

It was a magical and blissful experience. He ran because he was afraid of stopping. Petrified about what it might bring. Frightened that if he stopped, he'd feel the full impact of the blow. That he'd be ensnared by guilt; crippled by grief and overwhelmed with rage. However, he had stopped running and whilst some of the past had caught up with him, he found himself unable to feel negative. He couldn't  when he was holding River's smooth hands in his and hearing her majestic laughter. She made him feel less broken.

He thought he would stay with her forever and that she would allow it. After all, it was always her who left. One time she said she had to stay at Stormcage - had a promise to live up to. Therefore, if he just stayed there with her, she'd have no where to disappear of to.

He made the mistake of letting it spill out of his mouth. They were gazing at each other one evening. He had to tell her - actually in words - just how whole she'd made him feel.

"I was broken all over when I came her and you fixed me. I will stay here in Stormcage with you forever! I do not care if I never go on an adventure again. I do not need the adrenaline and the danger. I just need you."

She laughed initially, as though he was messing with her. As if he was just saying the right words in the right way just because he was bored. However, she must have clocked on the sincerity in his eyes because she stiffened. She barely spoke to him for the rest of the evening and when she laughed it was hollow. Why had she been thrown off by the promise of eternity?

The next morning, she woke him up and told him rather bluntly that he had to leave. Had to. That he was being a sentimental idiot and it was time he got over the fact that she was Melody and resumed to normal life. When he tried to interrupt her, to tell her he wasn't just offering her attention just because she was Melody, she would not hear of it. She would not let him admit that his hearts sought out for her and that he was horribly impaired with emotions he thought were beyond him. She told him he needed to get a move on and leave her so that he did create a paradox. When he reminded her that he has a time machine, she cut him off, rather angrily and told him if he did not leave, she would.

Eventually, he left. Too angry at her for pushing him away, he left her without a kiss. Was his company that insufferable and suffocating? She had literally begged for him to leave... Did people do that with people they love? He was certain she loved him - the way she gazed at him as if he hung the stars. And the constant flirting. What about the kissing and her softening at his touch? What about the way she always laughed in his presence... Wasn't that love? Or did he misread it wrong?

Upon being so brutally rejected, he felt heavier. In his chest, where his hearts once resided felt vacant. All the pain, grief and hurt had began to protrude through into his mind. How could he have expected such a good woman to love him? How could he, for even a second allow himself to believe that he deserved her love? He was only kidding himself. She was right to push him away; to prevent further damage. How many times had he lost her now and let her down? Too many. He indeed had been a sentimental idiot. He could not have forever. He'd lost her already.

The days to follow were somber and grave. He tried to find Melody... Perhaps if he found her, it would ease the pain a little? However, it was absolutely fruitless. Everything was pointless and painful. He decided that he just going to stay in his TARDIS forever, seeing as River did not want him. He'd stay in his TARDIS forever and never interfere or allow himself to love or get close to anyone.

 

 

River Song sat on the floor of her barren cell and willed herself not to cry. After a couple minutes, she was able to steady her breathing and to think. The past four weeks since her birthday had been amazing. The Doctor - not her husband - but one who'd gotten used to her, had decided that he would stay for a while. She, like her husband, had been a sentimental idiot. She told him about what she got up to outside of Stormcage. She flirted with him shamelessly. She let him kiss her and caress her. She let him be there. For a while, she was happy. It scared her a little because her happiness resembled that of a child. So innocent and carefree. He made her, River Song, the psychopath with blood smeared over her hands, feel like she was a princess. However, she knew that she had to let go, when he told her that he wanted to be with her forever. She snapped out of her day dream. That was not how it was supposed to work - ever. They were not living a soppy, it all ends up perfect at the end, fairy tale. He could not be her prince. That was not how life worked. So she sent him on his way. She pushed him out, before she could allow herself to believe that it could be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted the Doctor to experience some rejection, so it wasn't just River who felt that during their relationship.


	13. Let's kill Hitler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys. :)
> 
> Another chapter. Hope you like it.
> 
> Though just a warning. I think I wrote it inadequately. 
> 
> Hope you are all well

He sighed as he entered his TARDIS. He had not seen the old girl for a long time. 

"How are you?" He asked rather sullen. 

Instead of replying, the TARDIS was still and quiet. Usually, the TARDIS would hum or groan. Usually, she would acknowledge him some how. Judging by the icy cold air, the darkness and the overwhelming silence, the Doctor decides that she was most definitely angry at him. He had no idea why the TARDIS was angry at him this time. He had not even stepped foot on her for ages... Fine, she might have felt a bit lonely with his absence, but she knew where he was going and whom too. So she knew it was important. Normally, the Doctor would stroke the TARDIS console when she was angry at him. He would whisper apologies to her and he'd promise to make it up to her. However, today, the Doctor felt rage rise through him. He was already annoyed with River, the lady who was supposed to love him, abandoning him as if he were a disabled pet. Having the TARDIS be so stubborn and stay stroppy at him was definitely more than he could handle at this time. He turned to the corridor. He was not having this. He was certainly not having this. If the TARDIS was going to be all hormonal like River, he'd go to his room and amuse himself. 

However, he was stopped at the entrance to the corridor. The TARDIS had put up a force field, meaning that he could not escape. He tried for the doors, which were firmly shut. The TARDIS had decided that he would not be able to run away. He glared at the console. Why was she being so unbearable? She was angry at him for no reason and she wouldn't let him leave the room. Now, the anger was surging through his blood and bathing his cells in its bitter poison. He howled as if he were in intense agony. "WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!" He roared. His teeth clattered together, making an excruciating din and his fists were clenched into a tight fist. He would have tried to punch the console, if he weren't rooted to where he stood, trembling. 

He had thought that the TARDIS would not relent. However, soon, the room was filled with a piercing ringing sound. Whilst he was steadying his breathing, he wondered if it was a phone? Someone was calling him? Was that why the TARDIS was angry? What a silly reason! Then he heard his own voice. His own annoying voice. Oh, so someone had left him a message? He did not understand what was happening, until he heard Amy's voice followed. Even without her presence, he could feel her immense disappointment. Soon all the anger had seeped out of him and was replaced by guilt, shame and sadness.  He had hurt Amelia Pond so many times now. He'd crashed into her childhood and filled her head full of adventure, expectation and excitement, only to leave her waiting wistfully for him. He had made her hope and then when she had considered abandoning her silly, innocent childish notions of hope. Then he returned and threw time, space and aliens at her, only to disappear for two more years and return the day before her wedding. He'd been so cruel. Cruel did not even cut it. He made her life all about him. Then he'd lost her daughter. He had lost her daughter and them promised that he would find her, only to break his promise. They would be better without him. Amelia Pond, her centurion and daughter. He decided that he'd make himself scarce. He'd stop interfering with time and space - things went all pear shaped when he interfered - and he'd retire. He could take up knitting? Or fix the TARDIS? Anything really, that just meant he did not have to spoil someone else's life. Yes, he'd condemn poor little Amelia Pond to more waiting, but she'd realise that he wasn't worth the time and eventually continue on with her life. Hopefully. 

He initially intended to retire. However, curiosity got the better of him. Crop circles in Leadworth? Since when? He'd have to pay a visit and after that, then he would retire. When he saw Amy and Rory, he sighed. He had walked into a trap. Idiot Doctor. Crop circles in present day Leadworth. 

It was all rather fast. One minute, Mels was fine. She was just standing there. The next, she was collapsed on to the floor wincing. He had tried to keep her talking. He did not know her, but he would not let her die!  He was the Doctor and he was supposed to save people and if he could not save his best friend's daughter from getting snatched away from them, then the least he'd do is save their best friend. She babbled on about wanting to marry him and if she weren't dying and she had not shot his TARDIS, then maybe he would have felt flattered. Before he could control the pace at which his words fell out, he'd agreed to marry her if she did not die. Well that was a good enough reason... he had married for worse before. He married Elizabeth the first - notorious for not getting married - because he though she was a zygon. He had married Cleopatra because he was bored and he married Marylin Monroe because she was bored and he was a little drunk. And it looked he would be marrying Mels to keep her alive.  Then, she got up... and oh... regeneration energy... 

River Song. Only she was not River Song. She had her face and her magnificent curls. She had her sparkly green eyes and her milky tea coloured skin. Only, she was not River Song. He stared at her wistfully when she asked who River Song was. River Song was the lady who had eroded his stone hearts and made him feel something for the very first time. The lady who his hearts belonged to now. And seeing her not fully... not fully ready, made his hearts for _his_ River. 

 

 

He was lying there on the cold slabs on the ground. Second by second, he could feel a little more life drain out of him. His face felt stone stiff and his legs felt numb.  He had tried to get up.  He had desperately tried to get up. To help. Amelia Pond and Rory needed his help and he could not, would not, let them down. He managed to stagger to the stairs, at which point, he collapsed on them. But he refused to stop.  Every bone in his body, every fiber in his being, was howling out in sheer agony. His cells were throbbing with pain and oh, how he just wanted to give up, fall to the ground and die. However, he still tried heaving himself up the stairs. It was ironic. On a good day, he'd be able to sprint up the stairs as if there were none there at all - oh, how he took those days where he wasn't dying for granted!  

"River, please!" he cried. He was begging for her to save her parents, but instead, she remained rooted to where she stood and insisted that he tell her about River. 

He growled at her. It really was not a good time! He was dying and his friends were about to die and he was being confront by the lady he should have saved from dying. There was too much death everywhere! So despite all the things she could get angry about, she could not really blame him for his hostility. Yes, he had said, rule 408 was that you should always waste time when you have no time, but not like this.  Not when his friends were about to die. No time could be wasted now!   
  
"River!" He growled desperately. "Please. Please just do as I say. You are the child of the TARDIS. Fly the TARDIS to your parents. Please." 

"Melody!" She said, pronouncing each syllable, deliberately slow. Each sluggishly slow syllable hit him like a bullet. It hit him that she was indeed not River Song. She was a bitter, frightened psychopath - his fault, he knew that. 

"Yes, Melody." He conceded. 

"Tell me about River Song and then I will save them." She demanded and he groaned. He had thought that a River when he did not know her was difficult, but she was way worst. Each breathe was becoming more shallow and tardy. Time was running out. 

"River is ... is someone special. Not just in her own rights, but special to me as well," He considered. He was still hunched over the stairs, in complete and utter agony. He had thought that dying was painful. However, talking about her in an honest and sentimental way that he never had done before, had hurt a lot more than dying ever could. 

"She- she makes me feel whole." His face was becoming a bit wobbly and he was now even struggling to talk, however, he powered on. " She - she is always armed armed with a gun. She makes whole armies, flee, just by glaring. She makes archaeology seem interesting and people just gaze at her, because she is beautiful. She a maverick, she is wild and she is crazy and she is brave and strong. She always run towards danger. Never runs away from things she is scared of and she ... she is just amazing... "  
  


She was quite for a few seconds, which was completely agonizing, for seconds were long and filled with potential, when seconds were all you had. She tilted her head SLOWLY and smiled at him. SL-OW-LY. "So, why do you keep calling me River. Do you think ... do you think... I can be brave and strong like here?" She asked. He could see the vulnerability and uncertainty masked behind her smile, but at the moment, that was the least of his worries. "You are strong and brave like her, now please, save your parents." 

She hesitated for a second. A second which felt like an hour for the Doctor. Then, off she went. 

 

 

"Find her. Find River Song and tell her something from me." He ordered Melody. 

He could not bare to actually say the words. He could not bare to actually tell her that he loved her. Instead, whispered an equivalent and hoped it would suffice. 

 

He watched her from a far. He watched them from a far, rather more. Amelia Pond, already embracing her motherly roles with ease. She was sat on her daughter's bed, anxiously waiting for her to wake up. River Song, again, was unlike he had ever seen her again. Her eyes were dull and groggy and devoid of the spark that normally resided there. Her face and curls even, were pale and weary looking. She looked frail. He had caused that. As soon as her eyes were closed again, he placed her brand new, ancient TARDIS blue book on the table besides her. And then, he ran. He ran because he could not bare to watch her like that. 


	14. The Wedding of River Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wedding of River Song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys. 
> 
> Wow. I have came so far. I was tempted to just sort of leave this story at chapter two but an unregistered user commented and asked me to please continue. Thank you. It has actually been fun updating this story. I would like to think that my writing has improved as a result of it. I have started to use words that I do not understand and it is always fun thinking, hmm, how am I going to depict this? 
> 
> Hope you are all alright.

As the train approached the pyramid, the Doctor rolled his eyes fondly. Oh, his psychopath was so predictable. To him, anyway. Obviously she would pick a pyramid as a base. She was a time travelling psychotic  archaeologist and therefore, it made sense. He was a little disappointed even. She could not think of anywhere more adventurous, dangerous and impressive? She really was slipping, he could not help but think. Maybe it was his absence?  

He should have been angrier. The fabrics of time were falling apart like the thread on well worn teddy bear. Gradually, it would all unravel past the point when you would not even be sure what was there in the first place. Now, the past, present and future were all intertwined haphazardly and he knew that it could not continue in that manner. He should not have felt the least bit thrilled to see her. He should not have been feeling giddy like  a two year old about the prospect of getting a new toy. He should not have been feeling remotely nervous about how she would react to his relatively disheveled appearance. No. Not when there were important things at stake such as reality collapsing. His hearts were progressively beating faster as he approached the pyramids. His was thinking faster that words could he could possibly comprehend with words. And that was saying a lot, considering that he could talk really fast when he wanted to. His mind was anticipating her witty and flirty remarks and trying to formulate comebacks before she could say anything. He was trying to calculate how long it had been and how old his River Song would be this time. He fleetingly wondering about how he would sort out the mess that his psychopath got them into. He should have been angrier, but even he knew that it was completely futile trying to adopt a fully serious pretense. He was seeing River Song, Melody Pond. Therefore, he could not feel somber.  

They were getting off the train and the Doctor could not help but feel anticipation tickle his old Time lord bones. He had decided what he was going to say to her when he saw her. It was ironic really. He had spent so much time trying to run away from her. He had spent so much time trying to resist her allure and trying to lie to himself about the way he felt. Oh, how he was so scared. So scared about commitment and feelings. It never once occurred that one day, he'd be able to wear them with ease. That one day, he'd actually acclimatize to feeling so vulnerable.  

She was in the center of the room. Back turned to him. Oh, his bad girl liked to draw attention to her. Dressed all in black. Curls falling onto her shoulders majestically. He smirked. He knew that she knew that he had entered the room and he knew that she knew that he knew.  

"Hi honey, I'm home." He could feel a smirk rise upon her face.  

"And what sort of time do you call this?" She asked with feigned annoyance. At which point, Kovarian began to talk, but he wasn't really listening. He had seen her clamped into a chair as soon as he entered the room, but well, he did not really care All his attention was devoted to River Song.  

"Did me best dear, I showed up. Just can't get the psychopaths these days!" These _days._ Well this second, he corrected himself silently. He would eventually get to the fact that reality was disintegrating. He would. But he was enjoying himself way more than he cared to admit. He'd missed flirting with River. It was rather amusing that they had so many spectators today. There was her very Scottish and fiery mother and Madame Kovarian who was clamped to the chair, along with a sea full of people that he could not distinguish between.  Indeed, they were putting on a really good show. So far, since he had entered, they had only held eye contact for seconds. Since then, they were circling the room, as if intent on not looking at each other.  

Now they were looking each other properly. Both smirking at each other. Happy to see each other, even though they would not openly admit it.  

"...Who else was I going to fall in love with?" She asked, though she was responding to Kovarian, it was more directed to him. A sort of dare perhaps? An already acknowledged confession? 

Love? She loved him? It was so blindingly obvious. He knew that she loved him, but she had never said it before.  Wait. They were in a pyramid and time was fragmenting around them. Now was not the time to talk of love. That was what he needed. A jolt back into reality. 

"it is not funny River. Reality is fatally compromised. Tell me you understand that." 

"Dinner?" She asked, completely ignoring him.  

"I don't have the time. Nobody has the time, because as long I'm alive, time is dying. Because of you, River." He bit back. Frustration was rising through him, like lava in a volcano. She was feigning stupid. He knew she was better than that. Why wouldn't she just cooperate and kill him?!   
 

 

"There are so many theories about you and I, you know." River said circling him.   
   
"Idle gossip." He responded.    
   
"Archaeology." She replied.  

"Same thing." He bit back. 

River walked up to him. Oh how she was taunting him. She was so agonizingly close. She was so close, that he could touch her. He could feel her warm breath caress the hairs on his neck. She was tempting him, and despite his anger at her stupidness, all he wanted to do was succumb to temptation and kiss her. But he could not kiss her and he could not touch her. He was restrained by handcuffs. If he could not, the next best thing was pissing her off. Hopefully, she'd be unable to resist the urge of slapping him and then, then, his plan would work. Then, time would be moving and she'd be by the lakeside killing the Doctor shaped Teselecta. However, River as ever, was fully composed, despite his sly insult to her profession. 

" Am I the woman who marries you, or the woman who murders you?" She asked. She tries to say it casually. To anyone else in the room, it would have seemed casual. However, he could see her face falter a little. He could see a hint of vulnerability and longing glaze her eyes. He could tell that she wanted one of the statements to be true. For a second, he was completely surprised, which in itself was surprising. He was not surprised at River's base being a pyramid. He was not surprised that she was reluctant to kill him. What took him by surprise was that she wanted to get married to him. 

He knew exactly how to earn himself a slap. "I don't want to marry you." He said, inching closer to her, so now his face was in front of hers. He hoped that he had said it with conviction. He hoped that he sounded as if the concept was absolutely incredulous. He could not be sure that it came out that way. He was uncertain. He had not spared a thought to marrying River previously, but now... now that it was out on the table, he could not really hate the idea.    
   
Her face hardened a little. Her features now a little bit sharper. "I don't want to murder you." He had definitely hit her. But he could tell, that he had to do way more to make her slap him.  

"Well this is no fun at all."  

"it isn't, is it?" 

 

It had turned out to be a really long day.  

He had married Melody Pond, River Song. It was really a spur of the moment thing. He certainly had not envisaged marrying River Song. She had hinted at a relationship  but he had thought -he had hoped - that she had exaggerated their relationship. That all her innuendos were empty and rather more what she wanted as opposed to reality. He had merely thought that they would be a little more than friends with no labels. He had been so reluctant to accept that they would have a serious defined relationship. However, now they were married. Yes the marriage was in an aborted timeline and he technically only married her to convince her to touch him. Okay fine, she was marrying a Doctor shaped teselecta, so it was not actually him. But they were merely technicalities. In his heart, soul and mind, he was married to her. He was rather giddy about that. She, the untamed, wild, psychopathic River Song was his and he was hers. He had not wanted to marry her before. Now that he was married to her, he could not help but wonder about how sometimes, he could be so wrong about the things that he did not want.  

It had turned out to be a really long day. It was a weird unexpected day, but great all the same. He went to return Dorian's head and then went into his TARDIS. The day was not over yet. It was his honeymoon night and he wanted to take full advantage of it. 


	15. First and Lasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'last night' portion of the chapter, I have also written as a stand alone called 'Last nights.' 
> 
> Forgive me if this is not alright with all you lot reading, but after this chapter, I shall be jumping straight to the after math of Manhattan. I have given it a lot of consideration. I think that depicting the Doctor's and River's married life may get a little boring because now there relationship has been established.

**First night**

He changed into his suit then went to pick up River. He very well could not leave her banged up in her cell on her wedding night. He was obliged to take her out. After all, she was sitting in prison because of him. She had been robbed of a childhood where she was cherished and looked after because of him. She died, hearts broken because he had been so inconsiderate and young. Everything bad in her life was his fault. So yes, he was bound to obligation to do as much as he could to make up for all his mistakes. However, that was not all. It was not merely obligation that motivated the Doctor. Yes he felt guilty, but he was also compelled to visit River because... because he loved her and that feeling also could not be quelled.

They were in Alderin Beta, sat on the tree, watching the stars. Well, he was watching the star and reading a book. He noticed out of his periphery, that River was watching him. Watching him. Watching him as if she could see the stars any day and as if he was the rare, once in a lifetime view. He was rather disappointed – he had thought it would be romantic. That she would indeed want to read a book and that she would be gazing at the stars.

"Is there a problem dear?" He found himself asking her.

"Problem? No." She responded airly.

"Why aren't you watching the stars? Why are you watching me? Are the stars not to your liking, or, or... did I get it wrong? Do... do you not like it?"

She chuckled and inched closer to her husband. "I love the stars. I love them. They are beautiful and I love it here. I am happy you brought me here... I am watching you... because... see... I know I just said that I love it here, but I'd love anywhere, as long as I am there with you."

 

 **Last Night**  

She opened the doors of the TARDIS and was a bit crestfallen. This was not the singing towers of Darillium as he had promised! She turned to glare at the Doctor, who stood guiltily at the console.

"This isn't the singing towers," she forces out, stating the obvious. She carefully tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice and eyes, however, the Doctor knew better and inhaled sharply.

Angry River was angry was bad enough, but disappointed River broke his heart more than anger ever could. When he was younger, foolish and scared, it was so easy to hurt her. He did not know her. He did not want to know her. He was angry that her TARDIS blue book contained his future; their future. Angry that it was written. That it had to go a certain way and that he could not escape it's jaws. He was angry, young and foolish. He was annoyed - she would always just be a fleeting ghost to him. A fleeting ghost, that he could not fully save. A fleeting enigmatic ghost, who he would come to love and who never said anymore, than 'Spoilers.' He could not help that he lashed out; that he lost his temper. She apparently know him so well in the future, so she should have known better than to not be exactly what he needed. So, yes. The Doctor had disappointed River Song on more than one occasion.

At first, he could not feel bad. She hid the damage so well, that he had convinced himself that there was no harm done. Soon enough though, he learnt that that his callous words left scars. Then he found out who she was; whose daughter she was. Why she had to hide so many secrets, lie and merely respond with "spoilers" even if it killed her inside. Him. He realized, and it broke his hearts. All she had was family and her love for the Doctor, and all the older River's were deprived of all of that.

He resolved to treat her better. To hold her tight. To kiss her, with as much conviction that he could muster. To love her as much as his two broken and bruised hearts could. To make up for the life she would have had if he hadn't made it all timey wimey.

 

" I know it isn't. dear." He replied wearily, and he made his way to her and lightly pressed his palm on the small of her back. "But I thought that the four moons of Pavilion would be better... I mean, the singing towers... it is only the wind... I mean, the singing is created by the movement of the wind. That isn't remotely special or romantic, or worth seeing." He cannot go Darillium. Not now. Not ever, if he can avoid it. No. He can't. Refuses to lose her. It cannot be time already, he reasons. He hasn't given her the screwdriver that sits in his bigger in the inside pockets. He had not even told her his name yet. He had not loved her properly. Had not made up for all the time that he had let her down or wasn't her husband. He couldn't lose that woman that he ... that he... He could not bear to allow himself to say the word. Or feel it. His wonderful River Song, is but a fleeting ghost... He could not... it hurt way to much already to admit, when she was in the TARDIS with him. He shuddered to think about how he will feel when their time together comes to a complete end.

She looks back at him and smiles, although it was a tight smile. She tried to feel happy. She had not been out with the Doctor for a very long time, and now that she is with him, she could not let disappointment ruin her evening.

"Yes, I suppose that sounds better..." She said, after a couple seconds of silence. "But you have to take me to the Singing towers one day. You cannot keep on trying to avoid it."

His smile noticeably falters and before she could comment on it, a bright smile now sits on his face. He wrapped his fingers through hers and they left the TARDIS. He pushed away all his thoughts and resolves to make the night the best ever, for both their sakes.


	16. Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay with me, Sam Smith chapter title :)

It was all so ironic. Ironic in a harsh way; in the uttermost cruelest ways. The Doctor had decided that he wanted to just enjoy the present time ordinary pleasures of life. He did not want aliens or monsters. Did not crave the adventure that he usually ran to arms wide. He didn't need the ecstatic feeling of adrenaline surging through his blood. He had absolutely no desire to save the day in the nick of time. He simply wanted to spend time with the Ponds. With his family. Oh, he had not had family in such a long time. That, for the day, seemed incredibly worthy of his time. Present day New York. Talking Reading. Enjoying the view.

However, something out there was disgruntled. It craved sorrow and pain What it was, he did not know. Fate perhaps? No. He could change fate. Fate for him was fluid. He was like the puppet master navigating fate. No, not fate. Something else perhaps? Did it even matter? Now, the Ponds were gone. Nothing matter apart from the fact that he had once again been deprived from his family. He had let his guards down. Dared to be vulnerable and dared to hope. He had dared to hope that things would be different. That he would keep a firmer hold on his family so that they had no opportunity to escape.

Alas. He was wrong.

He tried to look at the bright side. He desperately tried to.They had been granted each other's company which was all they ever needed. They had each other. It could have been worse. They could have been separated. He hoped that that thought alone would keep him going. He hoped that he could get away with throwing himself into adventure and danger would ease the burden that settled on his heart. However, he discovered that nothing could.

He was left. Left all alone. Just like always. His hearts ached. They were merely just humans. Ordinary fleeting humans with short life spans. Mayflies, compared to him. He wasn't supposed to get so attached. However, he did. The mighty Timelord. The oncoming storm. The man who could run faster and further than anything or anyone. Yet, he was stuck standing still, staring at the grotesque face of loss. It hurt. It really did. It felt like being hit by several bullets, but not being able to die. He was suspended in the sheer pain and agony.

He glanced up to the console, almost startled that he was in his wife's company. She was being rather quiet and watching him. He stared at her with greedy attention, absorbing every detail he could. Maybe, just maybe, immersing himself in something so meticulous, would save him from his loss and sorrow.

He noticed her eyebrows furrow into a slight frown as if she were concentrating. However, he knew she wasn't. She was staring at the console. All she could therefore be attempting was to fly the TARDIS or to fix something. However, he knew that piloting and navigating the TARDIS came inherently for his wife. She could fly the old girl in her sleep. No. Her concentrating was deliberate. She was trying to avoid his gaze, otherwise she would have to pretend that everything was alright. She still could not bear to take off her mask and let the Doctor see the fragile being that was underneath. She was concentrating on something other than her pain and it was not working.

He almost smiled when he noticed that she did not put the blue stabilizers on. Purposely, he supposed. Just to do anything that may help to ease the pain. She was ever so thoughtful. He wanted to say something. To break the rigid silence that stole its way between them. He would like nothing more than to embrace her and feel her curls tickle the him. He wanted to feel her closeness. However, his brain could not convince his limbs to work to seek comfort. He was stubborn like that. He desperately craved comfort, but would not do anything to result in comfort. A punishment maybe? His thoughts were forgetting that he had just let them die, but his body had not and his body had decreed that he'd suffer.

"River." He said. His voice rather raspy. He could feel fresh tears glaze his eyes. She did not even look at him. Too busy feigning concentration.

"They were your parents," he added after a long pause. Without thinking obviously.

Her face did not even falter and he sighed inwardly. "Sorry."

"It doesn't matter." She responded and clearly it does. He could feel a little rage surge through his old Time Lord bones. Really? Pretenses? After all they had been through, she was actually going to pretend that everything was alright? That they were the same people that they were before their loss? "What matters is don't travel alone." He almost smiled. He could feel the anger subside a little. She was always just thinking about what he needed. He could not be angry at her. His thoughts were just a little haphazard and he could not think too clearly, because his thoughts were fogged with grief. He was supposed to feel grateful, not angry. Maybe her needed her? Maybe he just wanted her....

"Travel with me then," he asked. He was so hopeful. Hopeful that his wife would stay. Hopeful that she would not condemn him to face grief and sorrow all alone. She smiled sadly and declined his offer. She loved her husband. Anyone who knew River Song could testify to that. She looked at him as if time, space, adventure and danger did not mean a thing, because he was more. She loved him more than the stars and life itself. However, he was hurting and impaired. He wanted companionship and consistency - not her. Not her. He would realize that once the sorrow had subsided and that would break her heart more than her parents death did.

Instantly, his face fell. He no longer looked like a ten year old that she had accused him of being. His face resembled cold stone. It was worn in placed and sharp edged. He no longer seemed excitable and giddy. It was as if all the passion and curiosity had drained out of him. His eyes were merely marbles. Lifeless. He was staring right through her as if she was not there. He was way too weary to be angry at the cruel way events had played out. He's gone. Detached. Drowning in a pit of loneliness, grief and perpetual pain, elsewhere.

And it killed her inside. Her hearts hurt. She hated herself. Resented her existence... how utterly selfish and cruel of her considering running away when the best man in her life was in a bad state. She remembered her mother's last words to her, heart aching. "Melody... you look after him. And you be a good girl and you look after him." He deserved better. She deserved a better daughter, who would listen to her final words.

She sighed and bit her lip. "Sweetie, I'll stay."

 

*

Initially, grief was a gift.

That night, they fell asleep, together but so apart. Neither of them knew just to close the distance. They lay there together, unable to sleep, but unable to say anything to each other either.

The next day, River woke up to find herself alone in the bed. She heaved herself out of bed to find the Doctor fiddling with the console. She sighed heavily. He was so close yet so far away. She wanted to reach out. She wanted to hold him and let eternity pass. She was tempted to just stand there like a statue. However, her mother's last words were echoing in her ears.

"Doctor," She called out softly, advancing towards him. He turned back to her, smiling sadly. She caressed his cheek with her palm and to her surprise, he melted into her embrace. Oh, how she had missed her husband. Normally, whenever she had been so bold, he would flinch. Even after they had gotten married. He would flirt up a storm, but whenever she tried to act on her flirts, he was would try to distance himself from her as much as possible.

For once since they had been taken, the silence that sat between them was not stale, but rather blissful. They had each other. Their hearts were broken, bruised and battered but despite all they had lost, they had each other.

When they pulled apart, they were both smiling. Smiling for the first time since they had lost the Ponds.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so we are finally at Manhattan :) After this chapter, things really start to kick off! Hope you enjoy it!


	17. It's you, it's you, it's all for you, everything I do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lana Del Ray Chapter title. I was thinking about this chapter for a long time and I decided that it would be perfect. I hope you like how the chapter plays out. It had taken me so long to come to the conclusion of what I want the post ATM to be. However, here it is. Enjoy. :)

Initially, grief was a gift.

  
However, as time wore on, grief crippled them. Grief, like a spider, stealthy stole between their relationship. It spun webs around them and ensnared them. It's delicate and fragile ropes, strong enough to wear away at their bodies.

  
At first, the Doctor marveled at his wife's strength. She did not break and crumble into pieces like he did. She was a statue - stood tall. Not wavering in the torrential rain or brisk wind. He admired how she was ever so patient and calm with him. She would make him endless cups of tea and hold him tight in her arms, whilst he howled at how cruel the world was. She would stroke his hair as if he were indeed 10 years old and she would try to console him in any way possible. Never would she grow weary. Never would she sigh or allow herself to get just even a tiny bit frustrated. Even when he got particular irritating. One day, she took him back to her home on Luna - suggested that some linear time would do them both some good. He agreed docilely, but when they arrived, he smashed all her vases, pots and antiques in a fit of rage. All she did was stand aside whilst he was destroying everything she had treasured. She stood aside and when the anger had subsided robbed his back, smiled and assured him that it was natural to grief and that she would be there for him. All her treasures laid on the floor, in pieces and yet that did not even matter to her, if he was not in a good way.

  
He really did not deserve her. He really did not. He knew that. If he was not fogged by grief, he would not have let her hold him. He would not have left her soothe him and he would not have let himself be so selfish as to succumb into the redemption of her love. He was a selfish old man who was grieving and at that moment, his wife's unfaltering love was his salvation.

  
It took weeks before he could think not clouded by grief and guilt. Then was when he realized that his wife had not cried. She had not frowned much. She had not raised her voice and she did not break anything like he had. She had not grieved at all. Did she not trust him at all to let him in? Was she holding in all the pain, anger and grief so that she could crumble elsewhere away from him? Or was it that she just did not care that much?

  
That day, he had tried to touch upon the issue. They were sat in her home in Luna. These days, they were either in the TARDIS or in Luna. Neither of them had the stomach for adventure or danger for that was what had snatched their loved ones away. They had fallen into the pattern of everyday life. They would wake up next to each other and they'd talk and flirt for the whole day. They'd spend the mornings laid in bed for way longer than they needed to be. The afternoons would be spent sat in her garden and the evenings would be spent in front of the TV, ignoring it. It was rather bland, yes. However, he found talking to River Song intriguing.

  
"Are you okay?" He had asked her as she brought out his tea to the garden where he sat.

  
"Yes, never been better." She replied.

  
"I mean, your parents died and you didn't so much as cry." The Doctor said bluntly. He could see her stiffen as she gave him his cup of tea and sat on the deck chair besides him.

  
"I know. Life is sad sometimes. But we just have to continue living. It is rather cold out here." She said evasively and refusing to look into his eyes.  
  
From then on, things between them got tense.

  
He would press onto the fact that they were dead. That there was no loopholes. Just to see if it would push her over the edge. If it would make her say something unrestrained and uncensored. However, she was rather good at cutting the conversation short. That annoyed him quite a bit. He had cried. He had told her how much his hearts ached and how broken he had felt. He trusted her with all his thunderous, vulnerable and unpleasant emotions. However, she was always putting up a show. Only flaunting her happiness. Would it be so hard for her just to tell him what he wanted? They were on common ground now – there weren't many 'spoilers' left. There wasn't much that she could not tell him. After all the difficulties and challenges in their timey wimey relationship, why would she actually willingly chose not to tell him something that she was permitted to?

  
He decided that he would punish her. He would not let her hold or kiss him. He would not listen to anything that she had to say if it was not anything important. At first, she tried to ignore the fact that he was being icy and distant. She continued to flirt and still touched him despite his resistance. When he stopped talking to her, she even pretended that she could do with the silence. At first, she triumphed in feigning obliviousness, but eventually even she could not.

  
"I want to leave." He said as they sat in the garden.

  
She stared at him, silently. Her face was not contorted with hurt, anger or surprise like he expected it to be. It was blank. Carefully blank. Carefully blank like it always was.

  
"Okay sweetie." She responded after several seconds.

  
"Just okay?" He asked angrily.

  
"Yes." She whispered.

"Aren't you going to ask why?" He probed. 

His wife sighed heavily and stayed quiet for minutes. No she did not want to ask why. She would rather he just leave if he did not want to stay. Leave without a reason. Leave in the middle of the night with no notice. He was bitter, angry and stung by the death of his friends and those could make a good man malicious sometimes. No doubt, if she asked why, he would say something designed to hurt her. Designed to test her. Designed to break her.

  
"No." She replied after minutes.

  
"Why not?" He asked increasingly frustrated.

"I can't bear the answer, my love." She said in no more than a whisper. He looked at her. She looked weary, old and tired. He would have sympathized with her ordinarily. Never would River allow herself to look that vulnerable. However, he wanted more. He wanted tears and pain, not superficially masked.

  
"Well, I am not treating you like a wife, the way you will not treat me like a husband, so I only think it is fair." He replied. He could have stopped there. He should have stopped there. However, he was unnerved. Her reluctance to talk about the situation had only fueled his annoyance at her. At the time, his anger seemed reasonable. It seemed logical even... He had it in his mind that his approach would fix things between them... how very wrong he was...

  
"I mean, your parents died. I have been saying that a lot recently and all you do is act as if you do not care. Maybe … maybe you wanted this? That is why you didn't care. You just wanted me all to yourself and now with Amy and Rory gone, you have no competition. How pathetic and sick that is. It is your fault that they are gone. Your fault. You insisted she leave me." He could feel the words pierce through her as if they were daggers. For seconds, all was quiet. The silence sat heavy like lead. He really did not mean that. He really did not even believe that... He was so shocked at his own cruel words that he could not speak. Before he could articulate and apologize, he felt her cold hands against his cheek. He winced and rubbed the part of his face, which was undoubtedly now a raw red colour.

  
"River, I ---"

  
"No. I do not want to hear it. " she said, her voice wobbly.

  
He groaned. He had made her cry. He had broke her. Just as he had wanted to. But... not like this.

  
"River, I did not mean any of that." He quickly retracted.

She laughed. It was a hollow, caustic laugh that made him cold to the bone. " You told me that I was always forgiven."

  
"You'd much rather if I was the one who was gone, wouldn't you?" She asked, voice dangerously low before he could respond."  
  
" No, of course not!" He protested, but it was absolutely no use at all. He had hurt River Song and she was angry. All his protests was futile – in fact, it was like pouring alcohol into a fire.  
  
"I mean, I have never exactly been your wife really. I was just a nuisance and you just wanted to get time back to normal. None of this has been love. Or respect or genuinely actually caring about me as a person. It has been guilt. Then you found out I was Melody and from then it was obligation. You were putting up with me for them and now that they are gone and all the guilt has run out, you don't need me!"  
  
  
"River, I was being an idiot. I did not mean any of that. I love -," He tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but she flinched and fled to the other side of the garden.  
  
"NO! " She howled. Tears finally falling. Oh, how idiotic he was. She really was so much better off without him. All he did was hurt her. She had loved him and been there for him, when he had lost her parents. She had been so patient. Not her own sake, but for his. She had never shown him anything, but love. Heaving in air, in between words, she shakily said "Go on and make this all about you. It is all about you. Your grief. Your best friends. Your pain. I did not even get a goodbye. My last words - my mother's last words were for me to look after you! You! My father could not even bear to say that I was his child. My parents loved you more than they loved me. Their own daughter was always second best in the world to you! I put on a brave face for you! I did everything I could for you. MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE HAS BEEN REVOLVED AROUND YOU! You know, I wish it was me that was taken. I'd be able to live a normal linear life, that you hadn't messed up with. I wished it was me - even if I ended up alone, lost in time, it is still so much better than being loved by you. Because it hurts. "

  
The impact of her words hit him like bullets. He really did not deserve her. He was in utter anguish. If he could, he would kick himself. He would deprive himself of all his regeneration and die a slow, debilitating death. He deserved that - and more. If he could, he would take back all the words that had just fallen callously out of his mouth. If he could turn back time, he would not allow himself to feel bitter and resentful of his wife's lack of communication about the death of her parents. If he could, he would have been a better husband - then, maybe she might have trusted him with her feelings. This was all his fault and in the cloud of grief, he had allowed himself to displace his anger onto his wife. He hurt her when he was young and stupid because she kept secrets about his future. When they were on common ground, he deliberately hurt her when she did something wrong. How dare she not be exactly when he need? Her whole life was revolved around being devoted to a man who treated her as if she was a burden. He felt utterly repulsive. He hated himself for being so childish and selfish. He had thought that the Daleks were evil.They killed people as if they were unimportant. He, however was worse. He deliberately hurt the person who had been there for him when he was in pieces. He hurt the woman he love so many times now, that he could not even keep count. The Daleks, compared to him were not even evil or cruel.

He had never seen River Song so vulnerable. She was not laughing at all. Her voice was not it's usual warm and flirty tone. His River Song was so broken tat she would not even hide the damage. There she was shaking as if they were in the heart of winter. Her lovely face was distorted with tears. He had never ever seen River Song cry and now that he had, he was certain that the universe was weeping with her. Even her curly hair was limp and sucked out of life. All he ever did was hurt her. Tears were falling down his face too as he advanced to where his wife stood. He had to make this right... had to...

  
When he reached her, she cowered as if her were going to attack her. She shook violently and held up a shaky hand. 

  
"Leave..." She managed to utter between the tears. 

 

"River, I am sorry. I really am. I should have - "

  
"Leave!" She roared. "Get away from me. Go!"

"I did not mean it, my love." He tried to say. 

"Go!" She roared. 

  
Perhaps he shouldn't have left. Perhaps he should have reassured her that he was being an idiot and that she was loved and cherished. Perhaps he should have held her tight against her will to all the pain subsided. Perhaps he should have let her hit him and shout and scream some more. However, what he did was leave. He stepped back from her crying. he gave her one last remorseful look turned around and ran to his TARDIS. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking, why would River think the Doctor did not love her... I think now, she has a reason. :( It was really sad writing this chapter, because I had to depict a River Song that was broken. A River Song that was vulnerable and unlike the one we have ever seen before in the episodes. Hope you liked the chapter.


	18. What River Song did next

 

Everything had become a blur. Maybe the tears were responsible for that? She wouldn't have known – she had never cried before so it was all new to her.

Eventually, she found herself in her house curled up tight in a fetal position. When had that happened? It seemed completely incomprehensible that she had actually pulled herself from where she had lay in her garden. What was more inconceivable was that she had actually managed to find the strength to get to her room.

Her thoughts were still hazy and sluggish. Was that a result of feeling like crap or was it another defense mechanism? Was her brain trying to protect her from pain and hurt by not processing fast enough to admit the harsh reality? If so, then her brain was stupid because it was not working. She had been crying. Her eyes were probably raw red and all she wanted was for the universe to swallow her. Even if her brain would not let her admit what had happened, her hearts were fast in reacting to the situation.

Some how, she managed to fall asleep. Perhaps all the pain, hurt and tears had left her so weak that sleeping was the only option. Or maybe, she had forced herself to sleep, because sleep was a better alternative to living. When one is a sleep, they cannot think about all the cruel words and heartbreak.

 

She woke up still frail the next day. The light sneaked in through her translucent white curtains as if to mock, taunt and laugh at her. The light was once what her whole life revolved around. Even in the darkness, she had no room for losing faith. Now thought, the light was cruel. It glared into her weary tired eyes as if were interrogating her. It was ironic really. It reminded her of the Doctor that she was with yesterday.

Suddenly, she had noticed the complete obvious. The Doctor was not in bed besides her. He was not there. Gone. What did she have to live for now?

Oh, she was destined to live her life eclipsed by the shadow of loneliness. As a child, River Song was friendless, forgotten, lost and lonely. She had parents who cared – she could never ever deny that – but she was estranged and they were unaware of the life that she existed. Then she found her parents and that she lived those years in a unadulterated happy state. Those few years. Then he came, she thought sourly. He found her. He had to find her. He whizzed her and her parents away, stole her heart and then abandoned her. He married her, then abandoned her. Eventually, she decided that she'd tell him that it was time for her to go back to prison just so that he would not abandon her. He stayed with her in Luna after her parents had died and she was warming to the idea that he was hers as much as she was his. That he might have actually felt something stronger for her as opposed to just guilt and shame. Then he fucked things up and pretty much told her that she was merely just the sadistic and pathetic thing that burdened him. The three people in her life whom she had loved whole-heartedly were gone. To call herself lonely was indeed an understatement.

If she could, she would have cried so more, but she was severely dehydrated by now. She could not even muster one tear. So instead, she remained bedridden. For days. Or weeks, perhaps. She lost track.

 

Eventually, one day, she decided that she was pathetic. She had let his cruel words and their death get her down for so long. What had happened to the River Song who could hide the damage just as well as she could hide a gun? What had happened to the River Song who sought after adventure? The River Song who lived, breathed and ate chaos and excitement? She was in bed, broken and unsure as to continue living. She could not continue like that. She had a vortex manipulator, hallucinogenic lipstick and all of time and space at her grips. She could dress up as Cleopatra and make all the Roman's do her bidding – again. She could steal a pirate spaceship and go somewhere amazing. She could go on an archaeological dig and disinter something that the world had lost. There was so much more that she could be doing.

That day, River Song pulled herself out of bed. She threw on a dress and killer high heels. She carefully did put on some lipstick and she tightened the vortex manipulator around her wrist. She sighed heavily, before throwing herself into adventure. She could not stay in bed any longer, because that would make all the pain and grief debilitating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would explore writing about a vulnerable River after her argument with the Doctor. In the episodes we are so used to her being portrayed as strong or if not so, then hiding her weakness. I was thinking, perhaps all the hurt and pain made her want to over compensate and throw herself into more adventure in order to forget.
> 
> I shall be finishing this soon. I am not sure yet, but there is less than 5 chapters left.


	19. What the Doctor did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A really short chapter again. Hope you enjoy.

 

When situations got hard, tough or complicated, he ran. He ran. He ran as fast away as he could and threw himself haphazardly into adventure. If he was fast enough, then he would not have to feel the hard truth collide against him. He would not have the time or opportunity to feel hurt or guilty or ashamed. He knew it was cowardly. He knew. But he could not emotionally handle staying to watch all the pieces shatter and fall apart.

This time he could not run fast enough. His feelings of self hatred, shame and guilt were too fast this time. They were like dust and dirt particles in the air, attacking him as he tried to run. He found himself thinking over all the times that he had ever hurt his wife. All the cruel callous words that he had said. All the times that he had flinched at her touch, just to hurt her. All those times that he refused to trust her. All the times he did not question the sadness behind her smile because he was too scared that it would reveal something he was not comfortable with dealing with. All the times he was selfish. If each time he hurt her were a word, then he would have books to fill libraries. If each time were a second, then he'd have eternity in his hands. He could not even count on his fingers how many times his wife had hurt him.

His hearts ached for his wife. Yearned for her. Screamed her name. He wanted to indulge in the feeling and return to Luna. He wanted to find her, apologize and beg for her forgiveness. Then he would hold her and cherish her like she deserved. He wanted to be with her. However, as much as he wanted to, he decided against it.

He loved River Song. He had never admitted that to her and feared that he would never be able to tell her in person. However, he loved her. He hurt her so much but he would not have felt so dreadfully guilty and ashamed if he did not love her. He loved his wife. Loved the way her eyes sparkled. Loved the way she looked at him – no romantic gesture could impress her because it was him. It was him and she loved him, so whether they were in Luna in her garden, or drifting in space, it did not matter. He loved that she saw him when she looked at him. Him. He loved the small bump on her nose and the way she shot things – even though he shouldn't have. He loved her so much and knew that she deserved so much more.

He loved her so much that he had to let her go. That was the only option.

He had to. For her sakes – not his.

He figured that even thought it would hurt him, he should step back and allow her to live a life on her own accord. He had to let her go because he loved her.

He set off, self hatred gnawing in his chest and threatening to control his every movement, thought and feeling. He needed a distraction. He needed adventure. He needed to do something exciting and stupid for his own sake.


	20. Goodbye, Sweetie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, I hope you like my update. :) 
> 
> Child and thief, if you are reading this, I will be writing some Twelve / River in like 2 weeks, just like you asked. I just want to get this finished first.

It was rather ironic. Ironic in the cruel and debilitating way. As soon as he had abandoned his wife and decided to free her from him, her ghost started to trail after him.

He had heard her whisper the word 'Doctor.' It was a quiet afternoon on the TARDIS and he was wallowing away in pity. His head shot up and he looked at the TARDIS controls, however, the sound was not coming from her. He began to question his own sanity – not that it had been intact previously. Maybe it was just an auditory hallucination. He had never had one before, but he had been lonely, isolated and tired so that was plausible. He had loved River Song so much and it broke his hearts that he had to let her go. Maybe this was his way of coping with her absence?

Soon after, he heard laughter. It was not River's throaty chuckle that was loaded with flirtation and amusement. It was a rather sad laugh. The laugh she had when she was trying to make light of the pain and burden that sat on her. It was the laugh that she had when she was trying to stop the tears from cascading down her face. The laugh she gave him when she was trying to hide all the damage whilst knowing perfectly well that he could see past her façade. It was distinctively hers. The sound broke him more than her anger had. He was stuck still to the TARDIS floor like a statue. Paralyzed by all the parasitic feelings of guilt, shame and despondency. He could not quite believe that she was there even though her voice sounded so real and alive. How had she managed to slip into the TARDIS unnoticed? Hesitantly, he turned around to greet his wife. There she was. This was not the post Manhattan River like he had anticipated. No. This was his long lost ghost wife.

Immediately, he turned back around. Hopefully, she did not realize that had actually noticed her. He couldn't … he just could not... She was dead because of him. She lived a timey wimey sad life because of him. She suffered because of him. He could get nothing right at all and it hurt all the more because he loved her. He loved her so fervently. He saved people who he did not know. He gave people he hardly thought about a better quality of life. He could never ever do that for River Song. And there she was, proof that yet again, he had let her down. Yet, yet, she was still there. She was still compelled to seek him out. He had set her free as if she was a bird, and she flew back to him. This... this was so... not right. Why? Why was River Song so loyal? Why was River Song so in love with him? He was so wrong all those years ago when he met River. He had thought that the mystery was who she was to him. However, as evasive and elusive River was, that mystery was always clear. She could say spoilers all she wanted, but she could never quite hide her adoration and love for him. If he actually thought about it, the mystery was how River Song could love a horrible repugnant creature like him.

 

She had talked sometimes. Rambled on. She was utterly convinced that he could not see or hear him. Sometimes, she laughed at the idiotic things he did and sometimes she told him all the things she had never let herself tell him when she was alive. She told him of how much it hurt to love him and how much he put her through. She told him of how intoxicated by love she was and still is. Told him about all the times he swept her from her feet and all the things she got up to when he was a way. And she told him how much it hurt that he had never ever come to visit her.

He listened.

Listened to all the sorrow and happiness.

Listened to all her sighs and laughter.

Listened intently.

However, he never talked back to her.

He could not.

Where did he begin? All the words stuck to his tongue, tears were scratching at the back of his throat and his hearts ached. He did not want to lose composure as her feared that he would never be able to regain it. That he would spend the rest of eternity, crying and apologizing.

 

 

"So who was she? Lady with the funny name and the space hair?"

The Doctor had been careful not to mention her to anyone. Certainly not Clara. She did not need to know. It was none of her business. It had been almost three years since Manhattan and almost a year since her ghost had trailed after him. He has strategically avoided not dead versions of her. Deliberately not visiting any place where there had ever been an archaeological dig. He refused to travel anywhere where he had ever been with her and steered clear away from pubs, clubs and anywhere a person dressed nice could go.

Over time, he had learnt to ignore the pain and hurt. Indeed, it was still there waiting for him, but he refused to look out of the corner of his eyes. He was adamant that he would stay childishly and blissfully unaware. He refused to allow himself to feel anything but numb and apathetic. So when Clara brought her up, all he could do was reply indifferently and quickly brush away discussion of her.

 

 

She was about to slap him. He could feel River, so even though she was a data ghost, her slap would still cause him immense pain. Before, her palm could connect with his cheek, he swung around and grabbed her wrist. He quickly let go of her wrist. He had not touched her in such a long time, so touching her wrist alone, briefly, had sent jolts of electricity through him. He suddenly felt so alive for the first time in ages.

"How are you even doing that? I'm not really here." She asked surprise.

He thought about ignoring her. Pretending that it was luck and that he did not really see or hear her. However, he decided that he owed her honesty. "You are always here to me. And I always listen and I can always see you." He said solemnly. She did not even look angry at his revelation. Just immensely sad.

"Then why didn't you speak to me?"

It took him a while to get the words out. He had considered lying to her. Telling her something along the lines like, it was never the right moment or that he was unsure of how to respond to her. However, what had damaged their relationship, all those years ago in Manhattan was her not being honest about her feelings and him throwing out callous lies, just to hurt her. Now, all that was left, was a weary old man, whose hearts yearned for his wife and a River who had been far to devout to a selfish man who would not even acknowledge her. He owed it to her, as much as he owed it to himself, to be honest. However, that did not make the words any easy to formulate. He could feel tears glaze his eyes and his hearts double in size.

"Because I thought it would hurt to much."

"I believe I would have coped." she replied, a little bit of anger in her voice.

"I thought it would hurt me. And I was right." He said. He stared into her eyes. Her pretty grey eyes. They had once been a greenish hazel colour. They too were glistening with unshed tears. It felt as if he was staring into her eyes for an eternity and yet, it was only a couple of seconds. He looked. Properly looked. There was no anger, just sadness and pain. Sadness, pain and forgiveness. He could do whatever and she would always forgive him – always and completely. She gazed at him fondly. As if, he was all she wanted. All she desired and all she needed. She had more love in one look, than he could muster with all 11 bodies. He really had missed River Song. His love. His equal. His perfect partner. His wife.

Without a moment to lose, he placed his palms around her warm neck and kissed, trying to make up for all the seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks that he had lost. He eventually let go, reluctantly. He wanted nothing more than to continue kissing her, but at that instance, words were more important. He caressed her cheeks as she cried, relishing the warm feeling. He had not felt so vulnerable and whole in ages. He was back again. United with his better half.

"There is a time to live and a time to die. You are an echo River. Like Clara. Like all of us. In the end, my fault, I know. "But you should have faded by now,"

"It's hard to leave when you haven't said goodbye."She said, gazing at him so softly and fondly that it made him want to cry too.

"There's only one way that I'd accept. If you ever loved me, say it like you are going to come back."

His River. His wonderful wife. He was hers and she was his. Of course he loved her. More than he could ever coherently articulate.

 

"Goodbye sweetie." She whispered before she faded again. For the first time in a long time, the Doctor felt whole and if he did not have to safe Clara, he would have felt happy even. He had been selfish and he had hurt his wife, but she loved him and at the moment, love was enough. That feeble, human feeling, was his salvation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we finally get to THOR, which inspired this fan fiction. :) 
> 
> I can't wait to write it. 
> 
> Have a good day or night or week or day or life, I guess. :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I was going to go onto THORS but I didn't.

River Song missed her husband. Her hearts yearned for the fool. Even though he: hurt her; broke her hearts and her feel like a burden. The fact remained that she would always be utterly in love with him no matter what he did. It was a horrible feeling because River Song was usually rational. She treated most people like chess pieces and refrained from feeling anything remotely warm that would cloud her judgment. She was ever so skeptical of people. She was always two steps ahead, so if something went wrong, she would quickly have time to formulate another plan. She was a rational being. However, there would always be that immutable small bit of irrationality because she would always love the Doctor. Feeling so vulnerable and so irrational and so... warm – it could be such a debilitating feeling.

Initially, when the wound was raw, she had tried to deny her love for the Doctor. She needed to be needed by someone. She needed someone to love her unconditionally to prove that she could be loved. To prove herself that what happened with the Doctor was not because she was beyond loving. She threw herself into dates and worthless marriages – it was fun whilst it lasted, but something was always wrong. She could not let her guard down. She would flirt outrageously but she would not keep her end of the bargain. Instead, she'd glare and flinch if they tried to touch her. It seemed that instead of finding love, she found people who were besotted and manipulated them until they were her soldiers. She would teach them how to use her sonic blasters and her transporter. She would teach them combat skills. Eventually, they left her – she was that bad company.

The whole ordeal made her desperate to find the Doctor.

She sent him messages on the psychic paper several times. She defaced time and space, sending him messages. She told his friends to tell him that she had popped by looking for her. However, this was to no avail. He wanted to escape her clutches as much as she wanted to find him. Each time, her heart broke a little bit more. Her husband told her all those years ago that she was forgiven, always and completely. Rule one – he always lied. She was young and naive enough to believe him. He had told her that he would always be there to catch her if she fell – she should have know that that was the Doctor just spouting cliched romantic nonsense just to keep her happy. Now, she was all alone. She needed him more than ever and where was he? She had built him up in her head, all these years. He was the oncoming storm. The man who'd always be there for her if she needed him. The man who hung the stars themselves. The man who made empires topple at his feet. The man who was perhaps capable of seeing more in her than anyone else did. How wrong she had been. The Doctor was cruel. The Doctor was a coward. The Doctor ran when things got tough. He ran and left people behind. Still, she loved him.

It would be years until she tried to find him again.

She had found a man called Ramone - absolute idiot. But still, he cared. He smiled when she said something psychopathic and laughed at her jokes. He was over protective and caring. He put his coat over her shoulders when she was cold. When she finally gave him permission to touch her, he held her hand. He even got her presents - things she did not need - but cute things all the same. Though she did not love Ramone, it was a nice warm feeling.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, I have decided that I could not fit the whole THORS episode into one chapter. :)  
> Hope everyone is well. Hope you like my chapter. I had a lot of fun writing it. The italics is River's point of view and the non italics is the Doctor. 
> 
> Also, thanks Sylva_Dax for being supper supportive and commenting. Thank you to all the other readers. :) :)

   
 

For the first time that day (or that century – he could not be sure anymore), the Doctor actually felt curious. That was saying a lot, considering that all in the space in a couple minutes, a man had called him a Surgeon and pointed him in the direction of a crashed spaceship. Something remotely exhilarating jolted through his old Timelord bones. Anticipation, maybe. Hope, even? Why though? Unknown to him, his unconscious mind had already identified the lady in the thick red coat. Her voice. Her sharp tongue. Her height. The air around her that commanded authority. However, his fast Timelord mind was too slow and sluggish to put two and two together. Or maybe, too cautious to jump to conclusions?  

"RIVAH!" He cried out as soon as she revealed her hood. For a second, she looked taken aback, but soon enough, she stiffened and an icy smile was frozen on  her face. He had thought that she would be happy to see him? That she would rush into his arms, the way she normally did and kiss him. He wasn't at all keen with touch and affection, but even still, he was rather disappointed. Maybe he had did something wrong? He had no idea the last time that he had seen River Song. Even with his convoluted and fluid relationship with time and space, he was certain that it would have been a long time for both of them – more than a century, definitely. 

 

_He_ _had said her name. He had screeched it. Screamed it, more like. Was that excitement and happiness that she had heard? A random stranger had just said her name so_ _fervently_ _and_ _pleased and... and.._

_She had to control herself... had to regain control over the situation..._  

 _"Don't ever use my name. Ever. How do you know me?" She asked. She said it more harshly than she had intended that completely hid the fact that she was curious..._    
   
_"Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart." He explained, face lighting up for some reason. He was smiling. Teeth showing and wrinkles creasing. He made smiling look so threatening and ridiculous._ _He was talking absolute nonsense, she had concluded as soon as the words fell out of his mouth._ _He certainly was not what she had expected. Not_ _professional_ _at all. He had asked an_ _unnecessary_ _question - a stupid one. And he kept asking about what they were going to do. She_ _intended_ _to pay him a lot so the least he could do was read the contract! For the first time since the mission, doubt was casting a shadow. What if the infuriating surgeon messed it all up for her?_  

 

 _He had been incredibly infuriating so far. Who did he think he was, trying to take the moral high ground whilst he had signed his contract to hack_ _King Hydroflax's head off? So far, she may as well have been doing everything herself, because he was useless. However, she had to admit, that he was pretty helpful in some respects –  he had technically saved her; well, she most definitely could have saved herself. But, it was a nice gesture, him trying._  

 _"Do not harm her in_ _any_ _way_ _!" He had shouted to the robot. It was no surprise to her to find that he could actually sound threatening – his eyebrows had warned her at first_ _contact_ _that this man was potentially fiery. Out of her periphery, she had noticed him threatening to dump_ _Hydroflax's head in a garbage disposal. That had did it for her. She had previously considered abandoning him on the_ _space_ _ship_ _and letting Hydroflax's body deal with him. However, hearing him trying to protect her had blinded her rationality a bit and she decided that she'd let him stick to her like glue for the time being._  

 

He was laughing. It was more adventure than he had had in ages. He had been cooped up in the TARDIS so long that he has actually forgotten what the thrill of the chase tasted like. Now, all of a sudden, he was laying on a blanket of soft icy snow besides his wife. Next to him was a bag, containing a head, that was spilling out furious and vengeful comments. At that moment of time, life was so exhilarating and dangerous that he could not help but laugh. Naturally, River Song, eventually caved in and started to laugh.  

He watched her as she laughed. Oh, how beautiful his wife was. Not just beautiful. There was no word imaginable that could describe her radiance and raw beauty. Hair curly and untamed, resembling a lion's mane. She was like the soft ripples of the ocean, dancing to a tune that no one could hear. She was the soul of fire, burning fervently and brightly. She was the soft rays of light that graced the earth whenever the sun was in an amiable mood. In that body, he had not felt a single urge to feel another person. He saw his hands more of a machine to work the TARDIS or to manipulate his sonic screwdriver. They were not made for caressing or any other pointless behaviors that humans engaged in. However, seeing his wife, he could not help but think, perhaps leopards could change their spots? Perhaps he could warm to her touch?  

Too quickly, for his liking, they had stopped laughing.  

 

 _There she was_ _in the snow_ _laughing. Actually_ _genuinely_ _laughing_ _. Likewise, she could_ _not_ _remember the last time that she actually laughed. That she actually smiled and meant it even. For so long now, her face had been carefully made up with an icy caustic smile and mirthless eyes. How had this man been able to make her_ _strip off_ _her defenses? How was he able to make her laugh like a school girl with a crush?_   

 

"Who are you?" She asked when he insisted that it was 'him'. He had thought that she was messing with him. That perhaps she had set up this whole elaborate scheme just to annoy him, because of course she knew who he was. However, she looked straight into his eyes and yet, she looked straight through him. It shouldn’t have killed him, but it did. Oh, how cruel and ironic life could be. Immediately, his mind wandered back to the first time he had met her and his hearts ached with sympathy for the wife that he had stared at indifferently. 

Before he could push the issue further, she launched up and began to kiss a man. Her husband. Another husband. What about him? Yes, of course he was jealous.He should have been kissing his wife, not some other bloke. He wanted to push this pretty boy down a cliff side. Why weren't they hacking his head of? He had had his reservations about doing so to King Hydroflax, but this man had it coming! How dare he kiss River Song?! The thing that hurt the most was that she was kissing him back and seemingly enjoying it!  

 

 _She had to admit, the surgeon was rather handy to have_ _around_ _._ _In fact, she was actually not looking forward to when they would have to part their ways. Maybe she had become a little fond_ _? He made her feel a little more human – which was a good thing, she had unconsciously concluded. For so long now, she had been the walking dead. Numb. Immersed in a crowd, but all alone. Heavily armored and ever so cautious. She did not mind at all. In fact, at first, the cold approach she had to_ _ex_ _istence_ _was welcomed. She had been hurt so much in the past and finally, she had decided to be astute and refused to be moved by emotions. However, he turned up on her_ _door_ _step_ _and since then existence had felt more like_ _living_ _. She finally had an equal. She had never had that before – not even with the Doctor._ _He_ _most certainly did not consider her as an equal. If he did, he would not have torn her hearts to pieces. So yes, she was rather fond of the surgeon._   

 

 _Now, he was lying about having irritable bowel – he really was quick on his feet – even if his excuses were ridiculous. If the head had not been spilling out more vengeful comments, she would have made a_ _flirtatious_ _comment_ _about how it was their first date._ _By the way that he_ _gaped_ _when she told him that she was 200, she could tell that he would not have minded it being a first date either. His eyebrows partially hid that he was besotted, but not_ _completel_ _y_ _. She rather_ _liked it; h_ _aving the attention of an intellectual man like him._  

So far, the Doctor was not sure to think of what he had seen of River Song. He was well aware of her dangerous and deadly nature. That was never a secret. However, he was a little surprised to find the extents to which she went. Perhaps her psychopath instincts were more adamant when she thought he was absent? Perhaps he made her a slightly better person the way that she made him a better person? Perhaps this was her desperately crying out to be saved. Oh, he knew that what he was thinking was silly romantic nonsense because River Song did not need saving.  

 

 _His face was contorted with wrinkles and grooves. His face looked as if it were_ _carved_ _in_ _stone_ _; rough edges everywhere. His bright blue eyes looked as if they were searching through her soul. As if they found the_ _foetus_ _of metal that lay in her chest. As if he could see all the poison in her veins and evil in her hearts – that was all she saw these days._ _He_ _was looking at her solemnly as if he were apologetic and she could not quite understand why._  

 _"River..." He said and she could not focus on what he said after that because the way he had said her name. He said her name so gently. So broken. As if she was beautiful despite all the horrible side of her_ _that he had been exposed to. All of a sudden, she did not care that he had said her name. She never usually went back on a threat, but she most definitely did not want to remove his organs alphabetically._  

 _"What's the book? He asked._  

 _"Oh, it's my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on a_ _space ship_ _" She responded. What was happening to her? What happened to the River Song who was more cautious than to reveal her weak point?_ _What happened to the days when she would bark at people for stupid questions such as his? What happened to the days where she could instill so much fear in people that they would not even dare to ask her anything personal? Was she becoming weak in her old age? Or was it just this man? This man who saw her as transparent?_  

 _"Is it sad?" He asked. She could not pinpoint the look in his eyes._  

 _"Why would a diary be sad?" She asked and she tried to sound as if the thought of a_ _sad_ _diary would be incredulous. She had to hide her surprise well, because he was spot on. Indeed, her diary was sad. She was a Pond_ _after all_ _and the Pond women were_ _notoriously_ _known for waiting. Waiting for him. She was all alone in the world. Broken. And time was running out. Yes, there were the happy times where it would be her husband who turned up instead of the young scared fool. There were the times where he would be romantic and sweep her off her feet. However, recently, nothing had been good._  

 _"You look sad." He whispered._  

 

Apparently, the Doctor was not someone specially. Just terribly useful. He felt hurt. Disappointed even. Not at her, but at himself. He had no idea that he had hurt her this badly. He had no idea the gravity of the damage that he had caused. Oh, he could be so stupid and callous. As soon as they were out of dangers way, he would make it up to his wife. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Foetus of metal - I stole that phrase from Simon Armitages - The Manhunt, in case anyone is remotely interested. It is a really great poem. Had to analyse the hell out of it for my GCSE English Literature. :)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear was always foreign. Always a mythical phenomena that she was skeptical about. The way he looked at her was enough to induce fear because he looked as if he could see her properly. As if he had figured her out. As if he could see her scar tissue through time and space. He could see the her behind all the pretenses, despite her attempts to hide all the damage. He could see the fractures and cracks. He could see the soldier. The murderer. The Psychopath. The little lonely girl who wanted to be loved. The grief and the sorrow. He could see all the stuff that made her resent herself. Yet, he looked at her as if she was beautiful. As if she was the only thing worth looking at – he did not need to look at the stars or the sunset or any of the wonders that the vast universe had to offer. He looked at her with unadulterated fervent love. It was so clear and blatant that she could not misattribute it to anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the beginning of the last chapter. It is just a subtle difference so it does not really matter much. This chapter took ages to think about. I watched THORS so many times in the past week trying to get everything right. Hope you enjoy.

  

He wanted to tell her that it was him after her admission about her blue book. He wanted to hold her and to admit that he was cruel when it came to her. He wanted to beg for her forgiveness – even though it stung when she claimed that he was not someone special. He wanted his wife back. However, he knew that she'd either cry or slap him and that this was not the place for a commotion. Swiftly, he changed the subject. "So who is this buyer?" 

"No idea. Just responded to the advert." He did not know whether to roll his eyes or grin. Classic River Song, so callous and willing to take risks. He could sense trouble heading their directions – he hoped that she had a plan just in case everything got out of hand - which it of course would.  Just then, the air in the room became a little chilly and a shadow loomed over their table. Just what had River got them into? 

"Which of you is Song?" The man asked.  

"Who wants to know?" He asked fiercely. He could not help getting protective over his wife even if she was unaware that she was _his_ wife. He really did not like the sound of the man's voice; it was rather hostile and harsh and absolutely no one addressed his wife in that way! 

 

 

 _River Song had known from previous deals that it was essential to establish her_ _dominance_ _early one. Some_ _idiots would_ _undermined her and t_ _hink_ _,_ _'_ _hmmm,_ _here_ _is a pretty little lady who cannot defend herself, so let me get one over her._ _'_ _She usually ended up growling and having to use her sonic blaster just to show some fools that they could not have been more wrong about her._ _Deals like this could get … messy... For once, she wanted a smooth exchange where she did not have to put anyone in their place._  

 _"Don't care, don't want to know. I'll need immediate payment. Can you do that?" She asked, brushing of anything that the creature in front of her table had to say._  

 _"Or could you just either sit down and fetch us the wine list or something?" The surgeon_ _interjected. He_ _caught her by surprise. So much so, that she actually dropped the stone hard pretense that she was going for and she smiled. Oh wow, he really had to stop catching her attention …  It was rather funny – there she was doing one of her dodgy deals and_ _now_ _she_ _was acting like she was a_ _school girl with a crush. What next? Writing his name – which she did not know – with hers in a heart?_ _Sending him love letters?_ _After all_ _, he had already made her giggle._ _This was just getting ridiculous. For her own sanity, as soon as this exchange_ _was sorted, she needed to escape from this man because with him it was hard to ignore the obvious_ _infatuation_ _that she was increasingly feeling._  

 

 

 _This was not what she had expected._ _The_ _whole escapade_ _had been_ _running smoothly; she had her money (which she did not really need) and_ _she was just about to hand over Hydroflax's head and swiftly_ _make_ _her exit with the_ _surgeon. However,_ _the whole room was chanting 'HYDROFLAX' and proclaiming their love to the monster._  

 _Why was she even the least bit surprised._ _Something like this always happened – not people chanting the name of the head she had under the table. No. Something always deviated away from the plan._ _They tried to escape_ _with no_ _avail. She had no plan – well apart from waiting till the meteor strike. But that would be ages and what if they tried to do something stupid like shot her? Before she could think, the surgeon had snatched the ba_ _g_ _of Scratch._  

 _"Noble blood has been spilled." She heard him say. Huh? What was he doing? What was this idiot doing? What if he was going to sell her out?_ _Sh_ _e had been stupid and allowed herself to trust this man – to actually like him. And now... what if he was betraying her trust?_ _S_ _he would not be able to recover from her stupidity._ _S_ _he tried to catch his eyes – to ask, what the hell are you doing_ _and_ _to_ _war_ _n_ _him that ratting her out would have fatal consequences. However,_ _he did not even look at her. He was now calling_ _Hydroflax_ _a sweet prince?_ _Oh this was a disaster! If only she had her vortex manipulator or hallucinogenic_ _lipstick;_ _she_ _had given those up when_ _she gave up relying on her husband – they reminded her far too much of him._

 _"_ _S_ _hall we start the bidding at 200 million?" He asked and she finally understood what he was doing, and oh, he was clever._ _Oh, she could kiss him! And she just might later!_ _She was instantly relieved._ _She_ _had not put her trust in the wrong person – again._  

 

 

The repulsive blue creature was reading River's diary out loud. He was an idiot. In fact, worse than an idiot. He was a complete and utter imbecile; anyone who got on River Song's bad side was. The Doctor knew his wife and he knew that her wrathful furious words were not just words strung along in the heat of the moment; it was a cold heart promise. Rousing her up would only end tragically for him. However, the Doctor really could not bring himself to feel the least bit of sympathy about the fate of the hideous thing. He deserved to suffer - anyone who dared hurt his wife did. 

He felt a pang in his hearts as he thought that. He was the most culpable when it came to hurting River Song. In his young foolish days, he had been so adamant about not trusting her. He had seen the pain in her eyes and refused to question it. He had deliberately flinched when she touched him or tried to get near, yet initiating some of the contact sometimes, leaving her perplexed about where they stood. He messed around with her as if she were merely a toy. He deserved to suffer as well as the repulsive thing interrogating her. Watching her defend him was confirmation enough that River Song had always been loyal and trustworthy. It was heartbreaking to watch, considering that for her, Manhattan was recently and so the wound was still fleshy and raw.  

"You're the woman he loves." The blue thing said.  

"No I am not." She insisted.  

"The Doctor does not and has never loved me." It hurt that she lied with such stubborn conviction and sincerity. As if the idea was completely and utterly preposterous, misinformed and wrong.  River Song, oh, she was really good at lying. She was always clever and one step ahead – probably buying time by spouting out nonsense so that she could think of an escape route.  

As she continued, he realized something rather startling. She was not lying. In her own opinion anyway. How could she not know that he loved her? In fact, what perplexed him more was that she could be so loyal and devout to a man who she did not think loved her. Probably, she thought that he was bound to her by guilt and shame – he'd lost her parents and let her down far too many times. He owed her the universes and stars and solar systems. That was all. No genuine affection – just that feigned sparkle in his eyes and flirts without conviction.  He felt a horrible feeling overcome him. He could not quite swallow the air entering his lungs and his hearts felt merely like punctured balloons. He had always loved her yes – but he'd never exactly told her. Maybe that was always the problem? He loved her so fervently and so wholeheartedly but he'd never actually said as much in words. Maybe she was so broken and battered and insecure that gestures – despite their sweet intentions – were not substitutes for actual blatant acknowledged out loud words.  

Now she was insisting that he was doing whatever the hell he wanted without her. And that loving him was like loving the stars himself. Apparently he was not stupid enough, sentimental enough and certainly not in love enough to be standing there with her. Anger was rising through him – not at his wife, but at himself. He really was just an idiot in a box. If they were not in a hostage situation, he would have shut his wife up with a chastised kiss. However, all he could allow himself to say was "Hello Sweetie."  

 

_The surgeon was still there with her. Ever so loyal. What was wrong with him? She was trouble. No good. Psychopathic. Not worth loving. She would kill someone without even feeling the least bit of remorse. Did this man just find danger and damage alluring? If so, he was not as clever as she had thought. Intelligent people would have run away from her at the first_ _opportunity_ _._

_"If you think he is anything that small or that ordinary then you haven't the faintest idea what you are dealing with,"_  

 _"He's not here. God knows where he is right now, but he's doing_ _whate_ _ver_ _the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me and I'm just fine with that. When you love the Doctor, it is like loving the_ _star_ _s_ _themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid_ _enough or sentimental enough and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in here with me!"  she yelled_ _on top_ _of her lungs. Untempered b_ _itterness as well as anger was coursing its way through her blood. If had a gun, they would all be dead and she would not even care at all.  She was now trying to_ _steadily_ _heave_ _in air in an attempt to calm herself down. Declaring all her pain and grief was bad enough, but she would not let them see her cry. Oh, when had she become so weak and fragile? It was a disgusting feeling. She felt utterly repulsed by her weak self. This was the Doctors doing. He always had to leave her undone as if she were a shoe lace._  

 

 _Why was the idiot gawping? She could feel his gaze. He was probably_ _embarrassed_ _for her. Probably disappointed that this was the real River Song. A girl pretty_ _much_ _crying about unrequited love. She caught his gaze accidentally. She was about to turn back around and continue shouting at_ _Flemming_ _when she clocked on the way he was looking at her. It scared her a little. No. Actually, it scared her a lot. Frightened the hell out of her. Oh wow. Fear. That was new._ _Fear was always foreign. Always a mythical phenomena that she was skeptical about._ _The way he looked at her was enough_ _to induce fear because he looked as if he could see her_ _properly. As if he had figured her out. As if he could see her scar tissue through time and space.He could see the her_ _b_ _ehind all the pretenses_ _, d_ _espite her attempts to hide all the damage. He could see the fractures and cracks. He could see the_ _soldier_ _. The_ _murderer_ _. The Psychopath. The little lonely girl who wanted to be loved. The grief and the sorrow. He could see all the stuff that made her_ _resent_ _herself. Yet, he looked at her as if she was beautiful. As if she was the only thing worth looking at – he did not need to look at the_ _star_ _s_ _or the sunset or any of_ _the wonders that the vast universe had to offer. He looked at her with unadulterated_ _fervent_ _love._ _It was so clear and blatant that she could not misattribute it to anything else._  

 _Suddenly, it all clicked. He was stupid enough. He was sentimental enough and he was certainly in love enough..._  

 _"_ _Hello sweetie." He whispered._  

 _Oh God. That man. That impossible man._ _She could kiss him and kill him_ _at the same time – again_ _. She could curl up into a ball and cry for an_ _eternity_ _. She could cry a River, perhaps. There she was, damage laid our bare._ _Warts_ _and all. Vulnerable did not cut it at all. She had always thought that he would not be able to handle her like that. That he would take one look at the hurricane she was an run. That he would feel repulsed by her... however, he was not.._ _. Maybe, just maybe it was more than guilt that bound her to him? Maybe love even? She could not be hopeful dwell on that now!_ _She had to regain_ _composure_ _and retain as much dignity as possible._  

 _"You are so doing those roots." She managed to say._  

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

 

 

 

She turned to her side and there her husband was fast asleep.

"Husband," she silently said. She liked the ring to it. He was her husband. Of course, he had always been her husband. However, now more than ever, he was actually hers just as much as she was his. She silently watched him as he gently breathed in and out. His eyebrows, still frowning. His face was more textured than his last regeneration. Grooves worn in here and there. He looked so different but still, he was beautiful. She was tempted to stroke his chest and to kiss him, but she had to refrain from doing so. He was sleeping now - he didn't actually sleep. "Doctor. I hate that loving you is my weakness." she whispered as she gazed at him. 

Immediately, his eyes shut open and there was an amused grin playing on his lips. "Wife, you're watching me. It's a little bit creepy. Do you just sit up all night and watch me and whisper?" He silently said. She rolled her eyes - of course he had been awake. Why did this regeneration always have to catch her when she had her defenses down? Yesterday, he caught her declaring her unrequited love and now he had caught her gawping at him with admiration. Perhaps it was because she was getting old? Slacking a little bit when it came to subtlety and staying detached from emotions. He frowned a little - this regeneration had a tendency to frown. "Are you okay?" 

"Yes." She replied mechanically. 

"What are you thinking?" He asked. 

"You're still here? I was expecting you to disappear halfway through the night." She tried to hide the sincerity in her voice by chuckling. However, he knew that she spent half of the night dreading waking up to find ruffled bed sheets where he was supposed to see.  He sighed heavily. He had yearned his wife for an eternity, yes. However, it was too early in the morning to have to deal with her insecurities. He had thought that after her outburst yesterday about him not loving her, that something would automatically shift between them. That she'd realize once and for all that he loved her. He was stupid, sentimental and in love enough. He had thought that she would stop hiding the damage and disguising her pain.

"Of course I wouldn't leave you." He replied curtly.

"Course." She responded averting her eyes from his gaze. The air that settled between them was a little tense.

"You don't believe me." He said – a statement rather than a question.

"Sweetie, I do …"  
  
" I told you yesterday that I would not leave you and -" his voice rather gruff and heavy with sleep.

"Oh, I do like the new body by the way." She said, voice loaded with flirt and innuendo. She lingered deliberately on the word body and her hands wandered where they shouldn't have. She certainly did not want to argue again. She couldn't bare them arguing, after the last time. She had no idea how her hearts would cope if he left her again.

He gulped and willed himself to refuse to change the topic. He would not allow her off that easy. 

"No River stop. I see what you are doing. Trying to divert my attention. Well it is not going to work. We cannot keep running away from things."

She raised her eyebrows. Weary eyes and lips pressed to a thin line. "I am not the one who runs away."

"I am here now!" He huffed. "What is wrong with you. You're acting as if I am here against my will. I told you yesterday that - "

"You didn't..." She whispered.

He was tempted to match her look with a glare. He had told her that he wouldn't leave her so many times. He had told her that she was  important to him. What more could she possibly want?  

Quickly, he realized that he too kept on making the same mistake. That was how wars begun – people or creatures for that matter never learnt that they should perhaps resolve situations peacefully. Their towns, cities and civilizations would be engulfed by flames and flares. Their skies would be suffocated in smoke and people would suffer and die. You'd think that this would deter anything from embarking on way, yet time and time again, the Doctor had solemnly noted, it had not. There he was, being just as stupid. He could not go on making the same mistake; had to end the vicious cycle that it was too easy to get into.

He had to tell her that he loved her. He could not keep expecting her to know that oh so obvious fact. Immediately, he started to chuckle and she glared at him.

"I see that this regeneration really does love a laugh when there is nothing funny." River remarked.

"What is funny?" She asked after a minute of glaring at him. 

"Us. We're both so smart but so idiotic!"

"Speak for yourself old man." She said with her lips curling into a smile.

"No, really. We are. You keep pretending and I keep hiding. I think it is enough of the pretenses, don't you?"  
  
When she did not reply, the Doctor rolled his eyes. Suddenly, his throat was dry and the words were refusing to fall out. He was nervous almost. Scared perhaps. He of course loved her, but the admission would hurt him. They were just words, yes. But during his long life, he had learnt that words were potent. They had the abilities to crumple empires; to restore hope when all was futile; they could change even the most stubborn. These words were the ones that he did not want to ever admit to anyone. That would mean that he was no better than a humans who allowed their hearts to be broken time and time again due to emotions. The words meant that he was absolutely wrong - he never could cope well with being wrong. The words would mean that River had found her way to get under his skin. To break him and heal him in a way that he never thought was possible. So yes, the words were a big deal. 

"River Song, I bloody love you!" He croaked after minutes of silence. 

"You don’t have to say... I'm fine even if you don't..."

He rolled his eyes frustrated. His wife could be so stubborn. He took her hands into his and gazed into her eyes. More confidently, this time, he told her again. "I love you River Song, Melody Pond. How many times do I have to say it to get it into your skull? It’s all the archaeology drivel that is making it hard for you to process anything else. I love you, you stubborn woman. I love you."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write more. To write about their time on Darillium. However, I thought I'd end with an 'I love you.' :)
> 
> Well... we have come to the end... This was fun really. I did not think I'd get here. I was so tempted to stop at chapter two, but I am glad I continued. Thank you everyone for all the support via commenting, kudos and reading. Really made my day. I don't think I'd be writing anything until the end of June. My A levels are coming up and I really need to focus. Thank you everyone though. Hope you enjoyed :)


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